Never Stay With Spuffy
by Bojangles82
Summary: The Scoobies learn a very important lesson - never, ever stay at Buffy & Spike's house.
1. Giles

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns everythings. But then he deserves to because he's just that awesome.**

**AN: Set in my own version of the future post-Sunnydale and Angel S5 - Spike and Buffy have been together for years now, they live in London near Willow and Dawn, Xander and Giles live up in Scotland at the Slayer School. Spike's still a vamp with a soul, Buffy's still the slayer, they're still in love and above all else, they still love to fight.**

**Summary: Giles learns a very important lesson - never, ever stay at Buffy and Spike's house.**

**Rating: M for language and squicky adult activities.**

* * *

><p>"Stop it."<p>

"Stop what?"

"You know what."

"Say please."

"Aren't you like a zillion years old? Try acting like it."

"What? You want my skin to crust, my arse to collapse and my back to curve like a half-shut knife? I always knew you were kinky Slayer but that's pushing the boat out pretty far in'it?"

"Let me put it in language you'll understand. Either you settle on a channel and stop flipping through them so fast it's inducing an epileptic fit or I will make you regret it for the rest of your unlife."

"And how're you gonna do that? You gonna spank me?"

"In your dreams bleach-head. I was thinking more along the lines of kicking you repeatedly in the balls til they look like brazil nuts."

"Jesus woman, you're getting sadistic in your old age!"

"Old, ha! That's funny coming from the man born under the reign of Queen Elizabeth!"

"Queen Victoria, luv. Good ole Lizzie was the 16th century."

"Whatever. This conversation is over and unless you're gonna quit with the channel-hopping-on-acid, TV time is over too, which means you can go do the dishes."

"I can't do dishes, my skin prunes, you know this ducks."

"Well yes, everyone's skin prunes when they submerge their hands in the water for 15 minutes without break. If you actually did the dishes as opposed to soaking your hands, it wouldn't be an issue!"

"I like the warm water! How would you like it having cold hands all the time!"

"Yeah well, I'm the one that wakes up every day with cold hands in unmentionable places, now aren't I?"

"Oh well if that's the way this talk's goin' then fine! See if my cold hands come anywhere near you tomorrow!"

"Oh please. Like that would ever happen! You are incapable of staying away from me. When I get up to go to the bathroom I come back and your face is buried in my pillow! You crave me bleach-boy!"

"Did it ever occur to you, in your arrogance, that what you symbolise for me is nothing more than heat? Huh? I'll have you know I bury my face in your pillow because it's warm and much comfier than mine. You made sure of that when you snatched it for yourself!"

"I can't believe you are still moaning about that! For god's sake Spike, it's been a year! For the last damn time, the pillows were a set - THEY ARE THE SAME!"

"Oh so that's why every time I ask you to switch you refuse! Yeah, they're exactly the same Slayer, pfft!"

"I refuse because your's smells of that stupid bleach you douse your hair in every month and mine smells of vanilla."

"Bleach doesn't smell bad woman, give it up - you just don't want to fork over the better pillow, you'd rather keep it for yourself and that's fine, I get it - you're selfish."

"I'm selfish? I am! Who's the one who ate every single brownie that Dawn made the other week, huh? Who did that? Let's see, was it the human who can actually gain sustenance from brownies or was it the corpse whose taste buds are a century in their grave and wouldn't know the difference between a brownie and a greenie!"

"Gain sustenance from brownies? That Dawn made? Luv, you're more likely to get sustenance from eating that cat the neighbours leave scraps out for."

" ... "

"Luv?"

" ... "

"Hello! Earth to Buffy, it's your turn to insult me, ducks."

"I can't believe you called me selfish."

"Oh you sulky little vixen - put the pout away luv, this is hardly the time and place for it - we have a guest."

*cough* "Well it's nice to know you and Buffy are aware you actually aren't alone in the room - one would think you didn't care if you made your guests uncomfortable or not."

"Don't you start sulking too Watcher. Pouts only turn me on when it's Buffy doing it."

"Well thank heaven for small favours."

"Giles, I'm sorry. I realise we're being bad hosts and I would like to apologise on behalf of myself. I would apologise on behalf of Spike but since I'm such a raging selfish whore who steals pillows I'm probably ill-qualified to speak on Sir Shithead's behalf."

"Eh .. thank you Buffy. I think. I'll probably just head on ..."

"Sir Shithead?"

" ... up to bed. Good night Buffy ... good luck Spike."

"Yes, you're a shithead and you were all posh as a human - it's a nickname that works and educates, I like it."

"I wasn't a bloody teacher Slayer, I was a poet!"

"Which means I should call you what - Sir Loser?"

"That ice under your feet is getting thin woman!"

"Oh no, is Shithead of Shitheadonesia gonna lose his cool? Wouldn't want that would we? God knows what kind of pillow-snuggling antics he'll get up to."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you luv, you should leave it to the professionals."

"Well excuse me!"

*grin* " ... "

"Dammit!"

"Aw, look how cute you get when you're all flustered, gimme that lip ..."

"Spike, if you come any closer I will bite a chunk out of your face!"

"Aw come on luv, it was just playtime, you know you're my everything."

"Well then take it back."

"Take what back?"

"You know what!"

"What, the good pillow? I've been trying to luv but this mean little midget girl keeps saying it's hers ..."

"Oh that is IT!"

* * *

><p>"Willow? Yes I'm sorry to wake you, I realise it's very late but is there any chance -"<p>

[muffled] "... one more word about that goddamn pillow ..."

"- I could stay in your flat tonight? ... yes, I know, I'm there just now actually ... yes, I know you warned me ... yes, I know they're impossible ... no, thankfully there wasn't any mention of the fish incident this time -"

[muffled] " ... almost as bad as the time you stood on my fish you bastard!"

"- Ah, it seems I spoke too soon -"

[muffled] "... keep telling you it was an accident!"

"- Yes Willow, I'll order a taxi just now, I should be there in half an hour? Excellent-"

[muffled] "... suppose it just leapt out of the tank and under your boot in a desperate attempt at fish-suicide!"

"- I'm quite sure Willow, yes ... surely you don't need me to say it ... oh alright - I, Rupert Giles, do solemnly swear to adhere to the advice of my good friend Willow Rosenberg when she advises me to avoid staying at the home of the volatile yet passionate .. really Willow, this is ridicu- ... oh for god's sake - volatile yet passionate relationship of one Buffy Summers and William the Bloody ...yes, good, let's never mention this again, I'll be there soon."

* * *

><p>"Na' mate, few more hours til my shift ends ... on a hire right now actually ... aw you know these posh-o's up this end of London ... wait, oh my ... holy shit mate! There's a couple goin' at it in the front room ... I swear to god mate, I'm not lying! ... you should see this shit ... nah, not that I can see but there's definitely two of 'em in there goin' at it right now ... blonde ... nah, both of 'em ... right up against the wall ... yeah the curtains are wide open and the lights on, haha! ... holy crap, they're really goin' for it ... like I said mate, these posh-o's sure know how to let go, haha! ... oh shit, here comes my hire ... nah out of the same house ... fuck off, he's old ... I'm telling you he ain't the type to get in an orgy with those two ... because they look like they've forgotten there are any other people in the world, let alone in the house with 'em ... s'not a flippin' orgy! ... fine, I'll ask ... I'm not a total tool, I'll be subtle ... oh gotta head mate, he's gettin' in the car, I'll call you later, cheers mate".<p>

"Good evening, 18 West Hope Street, please."

"Evenin' ... so, late night party?"

"Eh .. not quite."

"Ah. Visiting friends then?"

"Yes, you could say that. I was supposed to be staying with them while I'm down from Scotland but a few .. eh .. problems arose."

"Ah, I see what you're saying. Problems with the old back eh?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Gotta have a strong back for that kind of nonsense, don'cha?"

"Eh, yes ... excuse me for a moment would you?"

"Sure thing mate."

[text msg] Willow, am in crzy prsn's taxi, do locator spell, find me urself. Dn't call Buffy/Spike. Would rather die [end msg]

* * *

><p><strong>AN: If there is interest (though I doubt it lol) I'll do some more with each of the Scoobies.<strong>


	2. Xander

**Chapter Two**

"Okay that's it - BOTH OF YOU STOP! Right now! ... Spike, you back off and Buffy, put down the kitchen knife! ... Okay, now .. normally I think you'll both agree it takes a lot to freak me out, the Xand-man is pretty coolio about most things. What doesn't enhance my calm is the sight of a couple in love trying to garot each other with household appliances. If you both just chill out a bit-"

"Tell her to calm down you gimp! She's the one that reached for the knife!"

"Oh yeah, and what? You wrapped the dishtowel around my neck to give me a massage!"

"It was a defensive move and you know it Slayer! You had that rhino look in your eyes - you know, charge!"

[whispering] "Ah, I don't think you should anger the rhino even more Spike."

" ... did you just call me fat Spike?"

"Oh god, it's getting worse-"

"Oh for god's sake - you know what? Yes, I did. I called you fat Slayer. I looked at you in your size 6 jeans with your protruding hipbones and your Belsen victim face and called you fat because I am just that bloody stupid!"

"Now you're saying I look like a Holocaust survivor! THAT IS IT!"

"No, stop! Stop! Stop with the ... ARRRRGGHHHH-"

"Oh god Xander I'm sorry! Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Why the hell are you apologising to him? You never apologise when you do that to me!"

"Oh god Xander ... Spike, help me, I think I've really hurt him-"

"Oh you think? What gave it away - the writhing on the floor or the silent scream etched on his face?"

"Stop standing there making jokes and help me!"

[moaning] " ... ugggghhhh ... "

"Give 'im a minute and he'll be fine Slayer, let me ... oh at least put down the rolling pin woman, I ain't comin' any closer til it's gone."

"Fine, just help me! Get his other arm and help me get him to the couch-"

[moaning] " ... please, get them ..."

"Get who what? Oh god Xander, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Mind his legs Spike, lay them out on the couch-"

"There. The whelp'll be fine, all cozied on the couch. So if you don't mind I'm going to go reach minimum safe distance before you start trying to blame me for this."

"Spike shut up, Xander's trying to say something! ... What is it Xand? Tell me how to help-"

[wretching] " ... they're ... stuck .. get ... them ... out ..."

"I think he's over the cuckoo's nest Slayer."

"Shut up! Get who out Xander, I don't understand."

[groaning] " ... stuck ... hurts ..."

"I think he's in shock. Oh god, should we take him to the hospital?"

"And say what? He got accidentally beat up by a 90 pound girl with a rolling pin?"

"It doesn't matter what we say, he might be really hurt Spike! Stop being such an asshole!"

"I'm the asshole! Which of the two of us just rammed Harris in the nuts with enough force to knock out King Kong!"

[moaning] " ... white ... pain ..."

"It wouldn't have happened if you weren't being such an enormous dick-head and you know it Spike! You always push me - you push me and then I snap and break things and it's all your stupid bleached fault!"

"All I heard was enormous dick and then I stopped listening luv."

"ARGH!"

"Oooff!"

"This is what we're going to do Spike. Are you listening?"

"Just wrapping my head around the spousal abuse you just threw my way-"

"No. More. Joking."

"I'm all ears pet."

"You're going to go get the car and bring it round to the front-"

[moaning] " ... please ... get them ... out ..."

"Why am I getting the car?"

"Because we're taking Xander to the hospital, that's why".

"Oh for god's sake, he's fine - look at him!"

[writhing] " ... rolling ... pin ... don't ... Buffy ..."

"See? He's fine Slayer, he'll snap right out of it."

"He's delirious Spike! I'm worried about him, I hit him really hard! Poor Xander."

"Poor Xander! That hit was intended for me! I bet you wouldn't be driving me to the hospital if you struck your intended target!"

[moaning] " ... hospital ... please ..."

"Well of course I wouldn't! People that drive up to A & E demanding a corpse needs treatment for bruised testicles tend to draw unwanted attention Spike!"

[moaning] " ... ow ... it hurts ..."

"Everytime we fight you always call me a corpse! You don't see me calling you a sweaty-human-blood-bag do you?"

" ... what did you just call me?"

* * *

><p>"Ah, Xander you're back. How are things down south?"<p>

"Bruised."

[distracted] "Good. I trust things went well ...?"

"Well Giles, if you took your nose out of that book long enough to listen to me I'm sure you'd find out."

"Hmm? .. yes, well that's good."

"Yeah, it's all good, nothing wrong at all. Will's good and Dawn's good and Buffy and Spike are excellent. In fact a funny thing happened, you wanna hear about it?"

[distracted] " .. of course, I'm listening .."

"Right. Well Buffy made me dinner, it was quite edible surpisingly. We had a good chat, I even played Xbox with Spike, then we watched TV".

[reading] " ... sceptre on the night of solstice ... oh yes, Xander, that's sounds great ..."

"Yeah, what a lovely trip, really gonna stick in the memory you know? At 8 o'clock in the evening Spike mentioned Buffy's dress looked like an old one of Dru's and 4 hours later I had to have my testicles retrieved from high up inside my stomach through a surgical procedure-"

[distracted] " ... yes, holidays are just lovely ..."

"Of course it would have been less than 4 hours if it wasn't for the fact that we nearly mowed down some pensioners at a bus stop when Buffy and Spike couldn't stop trying to blame each other while he was driving us to the hospital, not to mention the waiting around in plastic chairs once we got to the hospital-"

[reading] " ... child to the man, serpent to the ..."

[sighing fondly] "I'll remember it always - me perched on the edge of the seat in the throes of white hot agony while Spike and Buffy took turns banging each other's heads off the waiting room door, the sweet old lady who tried to intervene being pushed into the plant pot ... and the cherry on the cake was when Buffy and Spike used my private post-surgery hospital room to have make-up sex while they thought I was sleeping. Really puts those summers as a kid at the lake into perspective, you know?"

[distracted] " ... eh yes ... really Xander, this is a very important text, I'm sorry but could we do this later?"

{sigh} "Of course Giles. I'll be down in the training room if you need me."

"Thank you. It's good to have you back Xander".

* * *

><p><em>ring ring ... ring ring<em> ...

"Xand-man here, what can I do for you?"

"Xander, I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you earlier-"

"No Giles, it's cool-"

"But my ears heard, it just took a while to travel to my brain. Delayed hearing aside, I was just phoning to-"

"Giles!"

"-inquire about your uh, bruised testicles?"

"Uhhhh ... Giles ... you're on speaker ..."

" ... Ah".

"No it's fine and yes I did come in earlier and tell you about those uh, _pustules _- those _bruised pustule _having demons that we ran into down south with Buffy and Spike ..."

[whispering] "_... yes, well done_. [Loudly] Yes well I hope everything is alright with the uh .. pustule demons .. and now that you're back be sure to call me when you're done with the training, yes?"

"Gotcha G-man [click] ... ahem - so, young Slayers, I hope you're all familiar with Trillbain demons because that's what we're going to be testing you on this afternoon - their weakness, strengths, the whole enchilada. Pretty soon you're going to be facing creatures that strong for real, we need to build up your knowledge of them so you feel as prepared as possible before going into battle. You're on your way to being fully-fledged slayers girls, it's time we got serious. So, any questions?"

"You talk to Mr Giles about your testicles?"

"... I am never visiting that insane couple again."

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	3. Angel

**Chapter Three**

"Well this is nice."

"Yeah."

[grumble] "Yeah, great."

"I mean who'd've thought it right? You, me and Spike all sitting down to an actual meal, ha! No awkwardness, no fighting, no death and mayhem-"

"Don't count your chickens luv."

"What was that Spike?"

"I said are we having chicken luv?"

[suspicious] "Steak."

"Kinky."

"Yes, we're having steak, a stake could kill a vampire, you're both vampires, it's all so funny .. can we please enjoy a pun-free meal from here on out?"

"It's really good to see you Buffy. It's been way too long. And you're right, this is very .. nice."

"Just nice to see Buffy? Not me peaches? Two whole years have passed since you last saw me. Do you know how many Irish jokes I've been storing up just for you?"

"Oh joy."

"Wanna hear one? A giant prick of an Irish-man with a massive forehead and a tendency to brood walks into a bar-"

"Spike! Please. Let's just have a nice meal together and try to enjoy each other's company, okay?"

[grumbling] "Yes."

"Buffy, this smells wonderful."

[mimicking] "_This smells wonderful_, pfft."

"What was that Spike?"

"Nothing sweetness, just echoing the poof's sentiments."

"Good. I tried to leave as much blood in the steak as possible, the way Spike likes it. That's okay right Angel?"

"Yeah, that's great Buffy. Thanks for this, it's been a while since someone's made me a meal with human food and everything."

"Oh well, that's okay isn't it?"

"Of course Buffy, it's great-"

"I never thought you wouldn't .. it's just that Spike always eats meals with me-"

"Buffy really, I can eat food too. It's the act of sitting eating together that's important right Spike?"

"Uh slayer? Why is his steak bloodier than mine?"

"Spike, they're exactly the same."

"Yeah Spike, yours' looks just as good as mine."

"And just what the hell is that face peaches?"

"What face? This is just my face."

"Well then why are you smirking like you just caught sight of Buffy's knickers?"

"Spike!"

"No slayer, he's got that 'I'm number one' look on his face cause you gave him the better steak-"

"I didn't give him the better steak Spike, they're exactly the same."

"Well his is bigger!"

"That's more god's fault than Buffy's, Spike-"

"Very funny, peaches, but Buffy's seen them both and she already knows your's looks like a cocktail sausage and mine looks like a baby's arm."

"Oh for god's sake, can't we just eat! I just spent two hours cooking this!"

"It took you two hours to serve up raw steak?"

[glare] "Angel, are you looking to share the bad corner with Spike?"

"I .. I'm sorry Buffy. I think it's great you went to all this trouble of preparing us a proper meal. Really, thank you."

[grumbling] "Oh you make me sick."

"Alright, enough. The meal is cooked-" [pointed glare] "- and on the table. Let's all pretend we're above the age of 12 and enjoy it together, yes?"

"Of course Buffy."

[huff] "Sure thing ducks."

"Good. Dig in."

* * *

><p>"Spike! There is a bloody trail of steak and gravy sliding down my wall! I want an explanation and I want it right now!"<p>

"Oh this is just bloody typical! I might have fucking guessed it! The wanker is here for an hour and already you're playing the Let's All Blame Spike game! Why is it always my fault huh? Why do you always assume I'm the one who's snapped? Why aren't you blaming that giant turd for ruining your precious bloody wall!"

"Because his steak is still on his plate and yours is suspiciously absent Spike."

".. oh."

"I can explain Buffy-"

"Oh I don't think so, you hairy Irish wanker! '_I was just sitting here like an innocent fluffy lamb when Spike flipped out and tried to murder the wall!' _I'll do the explaining thanks very much Angelus!"

"Fine Spike, explain away. Tell Buffy all about how you threw a hissy fit the second she left the room."

"I will! I mean no! That's not what happened at all ducks ..."

"I'm listening Spike, but I'm not hearing an explanation and my god would you at least pick the damn thing up! It's staining the carpet now!"

"Don't worry luv, I'll suck the blood out later like I did with the fish-"

"You what!"

[panicked] "I'm kidding, I don't know why I said that! What I meant was I'll clean it up very carefully with a cloth-"

[disgusted] "You suck blood out of the carpet?"

"Shut up peaches! Buffy please, he was just goading me! You know what he's like! He said he was going to move in on you!"

[sigh] "Spike-"

"Okay, he didn't say it but he hinted at it!"

[annoyed sigh] "Spike!"

"Alright fine, but he was thinking it, I know he was!"

"For the last time, I'm not interested in Buffy any more - I've been with Nina for years!"

"Oh right, you're not interested in the most perfect woman in the world because you'd rather shag a dog! How stupid do you think I am you wanker!"

"Don't call her a dog!"

"Why not? Actually now I think about it you're the perfect couple - she's a dog and you're a bitch!"

"Buffy, I'm trying really hard not to make this worse but he is acting like a 4 year old!"

"Oh what, now you're telling mummy on me!"

"You need a damn mother you bleached fool! I came round here for a nice evening with old friends and now I have gravy on my favourite coat!"

"Old friends, yeah right! The only time you've ever liked either of us was when you were having sex with us - all the rest of the time we were an afterthought to your over-inflated ego!"

[startled silence]

"What did you say Spike?"

[baffled] "What luv? What did I say?"

"You said that Angel had sex with .. us?"

[defensive] "I didn't say that."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"Well it was a slip of the tongue then."

"Did you .. have you two ... have you had sex!"

"NO!"

[sputtering] "Nu-ooh."

"Oh my ... oh my god!"

"Oh well done William, bravo."

"It's not what you think luv!"

"All this time-"

"No! No 'all this time', there's no all, ducks!"

"I always just thought it was about me but ... god, I should've known! Being a dick is how Spike flirts-"

"Wow, hold on, there is no flirting-"

[offended] "That's not how I flirt!"

"God I .. I can't believe this!"

"Buffy, calm down, me and Spike-"

"Have you been having sex with my mate Angel!"

"God NO!"

"Luv, stop it wasn't-"

"Is that what you were doing that year in LA when I thought you were dead!"

"NO! God luv no!"

"I can't believe this! I was grieving for you! I cried actual non-metaphorical tears every night and the whole time you were shacking up with him!"

"I wasn't shacking up with him! I was a bleedin' ghost Buffy!"

"Oh that's the oldest excuse in the book!"

"- what! There is no book for this Buffy!"

"You know what I mean!"

"Luv, you're getting worked up over nothing-"

"Oh it's nothing is it Spike? Having sex with someone else when I thought you were dead is nothing!"

"Oh for god's sake, you were bumpin' uglies with the Immortal woman! Yeah, you must've been grieving real hard!"

"That's a good point Buffy-"

"Stay out of this peaches! You and your penis!"

"I've told you a thousand times Spike, The Immortal was a rebound!"

"Oh that's great! It's such a comfort to know that in the midst of your grief, you rebounded from me right onto my immortal enemy's COCK - gosh I feel so much better!"

"UGH!"

[dodging] "Stop .. throwin' .. mashed .. bloody .. potatoes .. at .. me!"

"You unbelievable pig! All these years I've been feeling bad for hooking up with him and the whole time you were living it up in LA with this moron!"

"Hey!"

"For the last damn time! I. Was. Not. Shaggin'. Angel. In. L. A!"

[glare] "Willow and her truth spell is just a phone call away Spike-"

"Fine, phone her! I've got nothing to hide here slayer!"

"Buffy, he's telling the truth-"

"Both of you just shut up! I need to think-"

" ... "

" ... "

[huff] "Right .. let me get this straight: you two had sex-"

"A long time ago, luv, and it was only once-"

"No talking Spike!"

"Could I say something?"

[glare] "Do you want me to castrate you with the butter knife Angel?"

"Uh not .. really .. no-"

"Well then shut up!" [calming breaths] "Okay .. I may be over-reacting. It was a long time ago, right?"

"Am I allowed to speak now luv?"

"Yes."

"Okay, it was long before we were ever together, sweets, and it was just the once-"

"Okay, just the once, okay-"

"Kinda like you and me Buffy-"

[glare] "Not. Helping. Peaches."

"Right, sorry. Uh maybe I should just go-"

"No, no, it's fine. Really, it's fine. I was being silly. It's fine."

"If you're fine why do you keep saying you're fine?"

[clenched jaw] "Because I'm fine Angel, that's why."

[nervous] "Yeah. I mean you sure do look .. fine."

"It's all okay, really. So you two had sex! What does it really matter? So you never told me! Who cares, right? So you've seen my boyfriend's penis and touched him and kissed him and seen his eyes when he gets all-"

"Okay! Let's move on yeah? Angel?"

"Moving on."

"Ducks?"

"All forgotten. I over-reacted and it's all .. fine."

"Good."

"Great."

"Okay. Pick your dinner up off the floor and let's eat."

* * *

><p>"Oh god, you have no idea how happy I am to be back. I missed you-"<p>

[glare] "You unimaginable son of a bitch!"

"Wait, what? Ow! Stop .. why are you .. Nina-"

"You had sex with Spike!"

"How did .. ow! .. who told you that?"

"Buffy did! She phoned me and told me all about it you bastard!"

"Nina stop .. OW! No biting!"

"I can't believe you! You were cheating on me when we first got together! Okay, we weren't exclusive but still - you couldn't have at least told me the truth? I can't tell you how many body parts I'm gonna bite off at the next full moon-"

"I have never cheated on you! I swear! You must have misunderstood!"

"Oh so now I'm a liar! Or are you saying Buffy was lying? Have you not had sex with Spike then?"

"Well .. yes but-"

"I knew it! You utter asshole!"

"Ow, stop .. she can't have told you the whole story, Nina-"

"Oh she told me alright! She told me about how she found the love letters you've been sending him for years, how you've been chasing him since your affair ended when he and Buffy got back together, how you couldn't get over the fact he dumped you for her!"

"WHAT! She's lying Nina, I swear-"

"You didn't hear her voice! She was so upset! I could hear her breath hitching and her voice was cracking through the whole phone call!"

"No! This is just a huge mistake Nina, you have to believe me!"

"God, I always wondered - you were always so hesitant to accept them as a couple. I used to think it was because she meant something to you but it turns out you were just mourning the loss of your man-lover!"

"Ow! I didn't .. this isn't right .. Nina, please!"

"Get the hell out of this room! You can sleep on the couch!"

[door slams]

[baffled] "I don't ... can I at least get my pyjamas?"

* * *

><p>"And you always called me evil."<p>

"Oh I'll phone her back tomorrow and tell her the truth."

"My little shit-stirrer."

"He deserves it."

"Never thought you'd be able to make me feel bad for the poofter luv but you've managed it. Can't imagine the hell he's being put through right now."

"That's what he gets for messing with my mate."

"Aw, little possessive Buffy. You'd be so damn cute if you weren't utterly terrifying."

"Hmph."

"You know he hasn't actually done anything wrong here ducks - the whole thing with us was years before either of you birds were even born-"

"Yeah well in my mind I just found out he had sex with the man I consider my husband. Excuse me for feeling cheated on."

"I bet dog-girl is using his bollocks as a chew toy right now-"

"Ew Spike, no more dog puns, please."

"Before he knows it his relationship will be .. r'over!"

" ... "

"R'over slayer, get it? See, I said the word 'over' in a Scooby Doo voice - Scooby Doo was a dog and Rover is a dog's name-"

" ... "

"It's a double-sided dog pun, slayer, do you get it?"

"If you don't shut up and quit making shit jokes, you're going to get it."

"Promises, promises."

[coy] "Get over here and I'll make it a reality then."

[teasing] "What'll you do if I call out Angel's name at the wrong time?"

"I'll stick something a hell of a lot bigger than Angel's penis up your ass."

"Oh you kinky little minx."

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	4. Willow

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this a Miss Willow Rosenberg?"

"Yes, this is she."

"Oh yes, hello. I'm sorry to bother you dearie-"

"No that's okay, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was given your number as an in-case-of-emergencies sort of thing - by a Miss Buffy Summers?"

"Oh god, is something-?"

"Oh no dear, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you, everything's alright, it's more of a personal matter."

"Oh. How do you know Buffy?"

"She lives next door to me you know, I'm Miss Peters-"

"Oh yeah, Buffy said you made them cookies when they moved in. Spike went crazy for them-"

[laughs] "Yes, that's right dear. Such a lovely young man he is, so polite you know, despite appearances-"

"Yeah that's what we always say about Spike, great manners-"

"Who says that about Spike?"

"Shh, Dawnie, I'm on the phone-"

[mouthed] "To who?"

[whispered] "One of Buffy and Spike's new neighbours."

"Well dear, as you know they moved in a fortnight ago and Buffy gave me your number in case something ever happened while they were gone - they travel quite a bit I understand-"

"Yes they do, Miss Peters, but I didn't think they were away at the moment-?"

"Oh no dearie, they're here. That's why I'm calling you actually. You see, they are such a lovely young couple, so friendly which is a rare thing these days, and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause any trouble-"

"Trouble?"

"Yes, well you see .. there have been some strange noises since they moved in-"

"Strange noises? You mean like uh-?"

"Probably them screwing again-"

"Dawnie! Shh!"

"Well dear, a lot of groaning and occasionally the most almighty roars-"

"Roaring?"

[mouthed] "Put it on speaker Will-"

[speaker phone] "Yes dear, it's very loud you know, the walls are quite thin in these old terraced houses-"

"Yes um .. I'm not sure how I can help you Miss Peters-"

"Well dearie, it is sometimes quite alarming and normally one would think to phone the police but they are such a lovely young couple that I wouldn't want to cause them any bother you see and I wondered since you are a friend of theirs, if you're not too far away, if you could perhaps have a visit and see if everything's alright. Miss Summers mentioned that you had a spare key should anything arise. I would chap the door myself but my hip, you see, it gives me awful pains sometimes and I try not to be walking on it too much and my husband is quite infirm you know, almost bed-bound and then there is the matter of privacy, I wouldn't want to be known as a busybody-"

[mumbled] "Why not? You sound like one-"

[whispered] "Dawn!" [louder] "Oh I'm sorry Miss Peters. Of course I can come over and see if everything's okay-"

[mouthed] "I'm not going!"

[mouthed] "Yes you are Dawn!"

"Oh thank you honey, that would be such a help-"

"It's no problem at all Miss Peters. I'll make sure everything's okay."

"If you pop by afterwards I'll make sure to keep some fresh cookies out for you as a thank you-"

"Oh that's not necessary really-"

"I insist dearie, I'll put them in the oven just now. Thank you again dear, it's so nice to see young people with such nice manners."

"Oh eh, thanks Miss Peters. I guess I'll .. see you soon."

"Bye bye dear."

"Bye."

* * *

><p>"I'm not going."<p>

"Well I'm not going on my own Dawn, so you have to come."

"Why can't you just pretend you went over and phone her back and say everything's fine?"

"Because a) she's leaving cookies out, b) she's a sweet old lady who deserves a night of peace and quiet and c) a special layer of hell is reserved for pedophiles, rapists and people who lie to sweet old cookie-baking grandmother types."

"You forgot d)"

"Which is?"

"I'm not going."

"Dawnie please! You can't make me go on my own!"

"Why not? You're an all powerful wicca! You can handle yourself fine!"

"Well so can Xander normally but he still lost both his testicles when he stayed there for one night!"

"Oh that was 2 years ago, he's fine now-"

"He still flinches when he sees a rolling pin Dawnie-"

"I don't care, I'm not putting myself through the torture of visiting Buffy and Spike's - no way. N. O!"

"Well why should I have to?"

"Because you were stupid enough to answer the phone, that's why!"

"You know, there could actually be something wrong-"

"What, you mean they might have had so much sex over the years that they're now permanantly joined at the crotch and the noises they're making are their attempts to wrench themselves free? Yes that would be tragic and you know what? I can live the rest of my life quite happily without seeing it. Leave them in their crotch-smooched hell."

[desperate] "I'll turn you into a hedgehog if you don't come with me!"

[sighing] "Willow, I love you. You're like another sister to me and I love living with you. I love Buffy, I love Spike and I have nothing against old ladies in general. But I know what is making those noises. I know what they're doing, I know what happens when people try to stop them from doing it and I know that no good can possibly come out of walking into that house unless your name is Buffy or Spike."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I would rather be a hedgehog."

[grumbling] "Hedgehogs have parasites you know."

"I know."

* * *

><p>"Um .. hello?"<p>

[muffled] " ... ungh! ... ooof ...[crash] ..."

".. um, Buffy? Spike? Hello? Is everything-"

[muffled] " ... ohgodohgodohgodohgod ..."

"- alright?"

[crash] " ... UNGH! ..."

[whispered] "Goddess, grant me strength .. okay Willow, come on! Be an adult about this, it's just sex-"

"SLAYER!"

"OH GOD SPIKE!"

".. really loud, obnoxious sex - ew!"

[silence]

"Um, hello?"

[muffled] "There's someone downstairs-"

[muffled] "Piss off!"

"It's me Buffy!"

[door opening] "Willow?"

[wincing] "Hey Buffy-"

"Um, what are you doing here Will?"

"Oooh, nice robe .. I mean uh, well, is everything okay?"

[shouting] "Everything's fine Red, go away!"

"Spike! Sorry Will, uh, what's up?"

"Oh nothing, you know, just wanted to check and see you're all settled into your new house and all-"

"You just wanted to check and see we were settled in .. at 10 at night?"

"Well actually, I got a call from your new neighbour Miss Peters-"

[shouting] "The cookie lady? Are there more cookies Red?"

[shouting] "Not for people who tell me to piss off there aren't!"

"Oh yeah, I gave her your number in case of emergencies. But why did she call you? Is something wrong?"

"Well, uh, she was, you know, a little freaked out by the, um, noises that she hears sometimes-"

"... oh god."

"So the old bat's hearing aid's in working order then I take it-"

"Ah! Naked Spike!"

"Spike! Back in the bedroom!"

"You hear the way she talks to me Red? I'm nothing but her soddin' sex slave-"

"Bedroom!"

"Red's not blushing Buffy, don't worry about it."

"Actually I am blushing, you just can't see it cause I'm covering my face with my hand."

"Works for me luv,"

"Really, you guys, she just wanted me to check you're okay and let you know that the walls are a little, um, thinner than you think."

"Oh god, this is humiliating!"

"No it's not pet."

"You're still naked Spike."

"I know Red."

"Did she sound like she knew what the noises were Will?"

"Actually no, she's seemed too sweet to really get it-"

"Oh please. She's what? 80 odds? You don't get to your 80s without having done a lotta shaggin'. She knows."

"Spike! Ew!"

"What'd'ya mean ew? What's ew about it?"

"She's 80! She's all old and gross-"

"Stones. Glass houses. I was born in 1849 sweets and you just spent the better part of 4 hours with my cock up your-"

"Ah lalalalala, I-gotta-go-now-see-you-both-for-Thursday-dinner-at-our-house-gotta-go-bye!"

[door-slams]

"Now where were we?"

"Oh no, no, no. Retract those hands buster."

"What? Oh come on Slayer-"

[whispering] "And lower your voice! I don't want the neighbours thinking we're perverts!"

"Are you kidding me on?"

[whispering] "Do I look like I'm kidding Spike?"

"No, you look like you're five seconds away from a good shag against the front door."

"Lower your voice when you say that word!"

[whispering] "What word?" [shouting] "Shag!"

[whispering] "Stop it!"

"SHAG SHAG SHAG SHAG ... oof!"

"Don't say another word Spike!"

[intake of breath] "SH-"

* * *

><p>... <em>ding dong<em>...

"Hello dear?"

"Uh, hi, I'm Willow Rosenberg, you phoned me earlier-"

"Oh yes, hello! Come in dearie, come in. It's nice to put a face to a voice and what a pretty face-"

"Oh thank you Miss Peters but I really can't stay long-"

"Oh no, I wouldn't want to trouble you dearie, you just come in and I'll get you your cookies to take home."

"Oh really, you don't have to-"

"Nonsense, it won't take me a moment."

[muffled] "SHAG!"

[startled] "Oh, did you say something dear?"

"No! I didn't say anything, I ..."

[muffled] "COCK!"

[facepalm] "Oh god-"

"Come on through to the kitchen dearie - did you check on your friends then?"

"Yes, I did and everything's okay. I told them about the thin walls and they're going to try to keep it-"

[muffled] "TITS!"

"-down."

"I'm sorry dearie, can you say that again? I've turned my hearing aid down what with all the banging earlier-"

"Oh! Oh well then, that's okay. I mean, eh, I told Buffy and Spike about the walls being thin and they said they'd try to keep it down!"

"Oh that's lovely, you are a dearie aren't you? Such a sweet girl-"

"It was nothing Miss Peters, really. Oooh, these cookies look wonderful, thank you so much! I'll return your tupperware box tomorrow if that's okay-"

[muffled] "SHAGGING! PENIS! FUCK-mmph ... "

"Yes, lovely, my dear. If you could return my tupperware box though? I'll be needing that back-"

"YES OF COURSE, I'LL DROP IT ROUND TOMORROW-"

"Oh that's fine dear, that's fine."

"WELL I'D BETTER BE GOING THEN MISS PETERS-"

"Oh of course dear, thank you so much for going out of your way for a fussy old lady-"

"IT'S FINE, REALLY-"

[muffled] "COCK! BALLS!"

[muffled] "ARRGGGHHHH!"

[CRASH]

[BANGBANGBANGBANG]

"Oh my, did you feel that dearie? Times do change, we never used to get earthquakes in London when I was a girl-"

[groaning] "Oh god .. I'LL JUST BE GOING THEN MISS PETERS, THANKS AGAIN!"

"Alright then sweetheart, don't forget the tupperware now!"

"I WON'T, I PROMISE - BYE THEN!"

"Goodbye honey."

[door closes]

[muffled thumps]

"Arthur? Are you alright up there?"

"I'm fine Ellie, what's all that racket?"

"What!"

"I said what's all that racket!"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET!"

[muffled] "OI! YOU WANNA KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE! YOUR YELLING'S INTERRUPTING OUR FOREPLAY ... oof!"

* * *

><p>"Well? What happened Will?"<p>

"Spike yelled cock, shag and balls at a little old lady."

"Colour me surprised."

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>


	5. Andrew

AN: Poor little Andrew ...

* * *

><p>"Come on out Andrew."<p>

"Yeah runt, come on out here."

[muffled] "I don't wanna!"

"Andrew he was only kidding on. You know Spike, he's a joker!"

"Yeah, I was only joking you little freak! Like that time I burst through a wall and chomped on your jugular - OW!"

[whispering] "Stop it! Unless you want him to live in our bathroom til the end of time, I suggest you start being nicer Spike."

"Well seein' as how I don't need the bathroom, being undead and all, it occurs to me this is your problem to fix Slayer-"

"Oh really? Well in that case it occurs to me I won't ever have sex with you again!"

[chuckling] "Oh please, like that would ever happen."

"Alright fine ... I'll start wearing bras again-"

"GET OUT HERE ANDREW!"

[muffled] "You'll hurt me again!"

"No I won't you little fre-" [arm pinch] "-ow!"

[whispering] "Nice!"

[huff] "Of course I won't hurt you Andrew. We're friends aren't we?"

[silence]

[muffled] "... we're friends?"

"Of course we are."

[muffled] "You promise?"

[clenched teeth] "Yes."

[muffled] "You won't twist my arm any more?"

[clenched teeth] "No."

[muffled] "And you won't make me take my site down?"

"Oh now hold on a minute-"

"Spike, what harm is it really doing?"

"Oh that's easy for you to say, you're not the one with an online shrine woman!"

"Well I had the pleasure of my very own tactile one courtesy of the love of my life, didn't I?"

"That was 10 years ago! Jesus, you have the memory of an elephant!"

"You are very lucky you said 'memory' Spike."

"Don't go making this into a you and me argument luv, this is nothing to do with you. This is about that little freak-"

[muffled] "You said we were friends!"

"-putting pictures and videos and stories about me on the bleedin' internet without my knowledge!"

"Well now you know. Let it go Spikey."

"No! I am not a flippin' Star Trek doll! I don't want a fanclub!"

[muffled] "It's more of a message board-"

"Oh so you don't like fanclubs when it's Andrew's freaky friends-"

[muffled] "Hey!"

"-but you can handle it fine when it's the young slayers batting their eyelashes and being all 'oh Spike, you're so strong, oh Spike, you're so fit, oh Spike, you're so dead!'"

[smirk] "Oh little bitty jealous Buffy-"

"Get. Your. Finger. Off. My. Nose."

"I can't control him, he's got a mind of his own pet."

"You're perfectly willing to claim ownership when he does things I like though, aren't you? Get it off!" [slap]

"Ow! Yeah well, you just see if he gives you any special treatment tonight luv."

"This is ridiculous. Andrew please, come out of the bathroom! Spike is not going to hurt you and you don't have to take your site down-"

"Yes he bloody does!" [turning to door] "Yes you bloody do!"

[muffled] "It's done out of admiration Spike! I made it because you're admired and we want some place to share our lo-admiration!"

[chuckling] "It's really sweet Spike, come on."

"It is not sweet! It's invasive and creepy and it's not something-"

[muffled] "Faith says it's a compliment!"

[silence]

"Faith knew about this?"

[muffled] "Yeah Buffy, Faith was the first member. It's Slayer approved!"

"Well, well, well. Isn't that interesting?"

"Andrew, come out of the bathroom-"

[muffled] "You promise you won't let him hurt me Buffy?"

"I promise Spike will not hurt you-"

[door unlocks]

"It's a private site Spike, I have to okay anyone who wants to - UGH!"

"Luv, what-?"

[strangled] "You said you wouldn't hurt me!"

"I said Spike wouldn't hurt you, you little weasel!"

"Luv come on-"

"You put pictures of my Spike on the internet and shared them with your creepy obsess-o-freak friends!"

[wheezing] "Hunghhh-"

"You said it was sweet two seconds ago pet."

"That was when I thought it was nerds! You showed pictures of Spike with his top off to FAITH!"

[strangled] "-can't-breathe-"

"It doesn't matter luv, it's not like she hasn't seen the real thing-"

[grip released] "WHAT!"

"I think you made him pass out luv, he's sliding down our wall-"

"When did Faith see the 'real thing' Spike, huh!"

"Oh for god's sake, you really need to get over this single-white-female thing pet-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"Jesus, have a heart for those of us with super-hearing luv-"

"I swear to god if you don't answer me right now-"

"It was years ago back in Sunnydale, in the basement. Remember? You caught us having a smoke together?"

"Oh, right" [grumbling] "Having a smoke, pfft-"

"That's all it was luv and you know it."

"Funny but when you have a cigar with Giles at Christmas I never catch you reclining half-naked on a bed with him Spike!"

[annoyed sigh] "Of all the differences we suffer through on a daily basis, this is what you want to argue about? Something inconsequential that happened 8 years ago?"

"Well we never had a chance to discuss it, did we?"

"Oh that's right we didn't luv, because we were under the threat of apocolypse and then that thing happened. What was that again? Oh right, I remember - I LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE SAVING YOUR PRETTY LITTLE ARSE!"

"You insufferable jackass! I saved my own ass! I was the main event buster - you were the lightshow to cap off the evening!"

"Lightshow! I can't .. you .. I died saving the world and you're relating it to Guy Fawke's night!"

"Hey, I've died saving the world twice now and you don't see me getting all 'pity me' do you?"

"Oh nooo! Of course not! Cause you didn't spend an ENTIRE YEAR wallowing in your pathetic self pity did you? What was I thinking!"

"How dare you!"

"That's right, came back from the dead to bone yours' truly - gosh what a tough time for you!"

"Meanwhile you came back from the dead and got your freak back on with Angel!"

"Argh! How many times do I have to say it! I. Was. Not. Having. Sex. With. Angel!"

"You know, I don't even believe that any more-"

"Like you ever did anyway! You never believe a word I say woman!"

"Because you talk shit, that's why! You always have!"

"Give me one example then smartarse!"

[imitating] "_ 'I'm gonna kill you on Saturday pet'_ "

"Don't imitate me Buffy, I hate that-"

[imitating] " _'Oh now that you've kicked my ass I should clarify I didn't mean this Saturday, I meant next week Slayer, beware!'_ "

"Very funny, you can stop now-"

[imitating] "_ 'You belong in the dark with me Slayer'_ "

"Like you've never made a mistake in our relationship Buffy!"

"Nowhere near as many as you have, dickhead!"

"Oh really?" [high-pitched] "_ 'You're beneath me Spike, I'm never gonna love you!'_ "

[imitating] "_ 'Help me get my ho-bag girlfriend back Slayer and I'll leave you to get killed on your own!'_ "

[high-pitched] " _'Oh Spike! I hate you soooo much but your penis is just irresistible!'_ "

[imitating] "_ 'I know most guys go for candles when declaring love Buffy but you're so great I figured you deserve to be chained to a rotting wall!'_ "

[high-pitched] "_ 'Hold on while I fuck you then beat you then fuck you then beat you-'_ "

"Like that one doesn't go both ways asshole! And don't pretend you didn't like it when I was rough! God, the twisted things I've done for you over the years-"

"Oh please, like you don't enjoy it! Who's the one that broke the headboard Buffy, huh?"

"Yeah? Well you almost broke my hip last year!"

"It was your idea to try page 32 of the Kama Sutra!"

"I was indulging you!"

"Is that another word for deepthroating luv?"

* * *

><p>[Instant Messaging]<p>

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Faith, you there?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Yo squirt, what's up?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: I just escaped from Spuffy's house.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: You call them that one more time and I'm outtie, got it?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Oh no, you gotta see this ...

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD WANTS TO SHARE A VIDEO: ACCEPT ... DECLINE

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Wow, how did you get this?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: They started arguing and forgot I even existed and it was too good an opportunity to miss, I wanted to catch them in action for future generations so I figured ...

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: ... you'd video them? I hope you don't treasure your life squirt.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: I don't have a death wish, I'm not going to show it to them. But Xander said it'd do them good to see how insane they get when they argue. He said if they find out he'll protect me.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: You're going to need it boy, this is some heavy stuff ... deepthroating! LOL

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Wait til it gets to the part about Spike's favourite body part LOL

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Wow ... blondie's a real goer. Shame B got to him first.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Don't let Buffy hear you say that.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Christ boy, did you video them doing it!

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Nah I snuck out before it got to that part. They didn't even see me crawl down the stairs.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Look I gotta head but listen to me squirt - don't put this on the site. Bridge too far and all that.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: What, the Obi-Wan movie?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: No you freak, that's Bridge Over The River Kwai! I mean if you put this up on the site Buffy will destroy your little geek existence, then Spike will bring you back from the dead only to piss in your eyesockets and send you right back again.

BOBFETTSLOVECHILD: Jesus ... you're not going to tell them, right?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Depends.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: On what?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Did you tell them I'm a member of the site?

* * *

><p>"Hey B."<p>

"Faith, what's up?"

"Oh nothing, just wanting to catch up and all, been a while since I've heard your voice that's all."

"Uh-huh."

"No need to sound so suspicious girl. Can't I phone my sister-slayer for a chat?"

"Not usually."

"Cutting to the chase eh? You don't change girl."

"Out with it Faith."

"Well I'm doing a cross-word B, help me out. What's another word for indulge?"

"What are you talking about Faith?"

"Starts with a D and ends with -eepthroating."

[silence]

* * *

><p>"Dawn, come on! We've gotta go! If you make me miss the trailers I'm gonna be so peed off! There'll be a new The Avengers trailer!"<p>

[opens front door]

"Oh .. Buffy, Spike, to what do we owe this-"

[choke-hold]

[strangled] "-pleasure?"

* * *

><p>"Will, have you seen Andrew? He was bitching about me hurrying up and now he's nowhere to be found."<p>

"I don't know sweetie, I was out back."

"Ugh, little pleb probably left without me. I'll try his phone but if he appears tell him I'm on my way to the cinema-"

[opens front door]

"Okay Dawnie, see you later ... Dawn? Normally when you open the door you walk through it."

"Will? Come here-"

"What's wrong? What is ... Oh. My. God!"

"Oh God guys, get me down! Please!"

[dazed] "Will? Is Andrew naked and duct-taped to the lamp-post?"

[bewildered] "Yeah."

"Phew, thought I was going crazy for a minute there. Andrew! What. The. Hell?"

"Okay, I was round at Buffy and Spike's-"

"Say no more."

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>


	6. Faith

"We are going to behave like a normal couple tonight honey, okay? No fights. No arguments. No uncontrollable spontaneous bouts of frenzied sexual conduct in public. No throwing of food. No flying off the handle at little things. No innuendos. And absolutely no mentioning of what we do in bed."

"You could have just said 'no fun' and saved yourself a lot of breath."

"Spike, please, okay? I want us to be a unit tonight okay? Normally I'm alright with the freakiness of us as a couple in front of other people but she could use it as a way in, you know?"

"Buffy, you're being ridiculous luv-"

"Oh, am I? Am I! You know what things used to be like. She always went after the guy I was with-"

"Pet, that was years ago. All the time we've been together she's never once tried anything in a serious way and you know she wouldn't, even if she wanted to."

[mumbling] "Oh she wants to."

"Come on luv, you need to let go of these old insecurities-"

"Oh, you mean like you do about Angel?"

"That's different. You used to be in love with him! I've never had any feelings for Faith at all."

"Oh really? So you didn't flirt with her when she was in my body?"

"I thought she was you, you dozy bint!"

"Is that right? So you thought she was me when you were lying on your cot in the basement with her?"

"I've told you that was nothing-"

"All shirtless and smoking and doing your eyebrow thing-"

"I have never touched her and that's what counts luv."

"Well I've never touched that Ian Somerhalder guy but you still get all grumpy when we watch Vampire Diaries, don't you?"

"You practically salivate when he's on the screen!"

"You're exaggerating-"

"And you called out his lameass character's name last year when we were doing it, don't think I've forgotten about that!"

"I have told you a thousand times, I said demon! Cause you're a demon! You called me Slayer and I called you Demon-"

"Just how stupid do you think I am?"

"Right now I don't think you want me to answer that Spike. God, we're doing it again! All I was asking for was one night of normal, happy, non-fighty supportive boyfriend and we immediately start doing this!"

[sigh] "... fine."

"Fine what?"

"Fine, I'll play the puppy tonight."

"You will?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"I promise. But only to prove to you that we are more than capable of normal pet. We just don't like it."

[grin] "Oh thank you!"

"Oi, no kissing remember!"

"Oh right-"

"Your rules honey. Just keep that in mind."

* * *

><p>"So, should I call Giles?"<p>

"What do you mean?"

"Well clearly you two have been taken over by some weird Stepford-like demon that's turned you into a pair of pansies."

"Don't be ridiculous. This is just the way we are. Happy makes us calm."

"Who'd you think you're scammin' here B?"

"I have no idea what you mean Faith."

"I mean normally by this stage the two of you have either exploded into an argument or exploded in much more pleasurable ways."

[laugh] "Where did you hear that? That's nonsense."

"Sure B, whatever you say."

"Where are you getting this from?"

"Buffy - the last time I saw you two he had you in a choke-hold because you'd kissed Angel on the cheek at his and Nina's anniversary bash."

"Oh that was ages ago-"

"He's in the kitchen heating up a lemon-meringue pie Buffy!"

"So? He actually cooks a lot you know-"

"Look, I came round here to see you and the hunk of burnin' hot, not some weirdo couple that sit all prim and proper and say shit like 'pass the salt', so could you start acting like yourselves please?"

"Hey, we've been known to ask for the salt to be passed!"

"Yeah, probably in 'gimme the goddamn salt or I'll kick you in the groin' kinda terms."

"I have no idea where you get these ideas from Faith. This is just the way we are now. I'm sorry if you were expecting flirtiness and fighting. You'll just have to get your kicks elsewhere."

"... ah, I get it."

[suspicious] "You get what?"

"Why you're acting like this."

"I'm not acting like anything Faith!"

"Oh come on B, you don't have to pretend you know, I see it - you're still insecure about me."

[low] "What?"

"Cause of all that crap with Angel and Captain Creampuff, I get it."

"You don't know what you're talking about Faith-"

"Actually B, I think I do. You were always the sweet level-headed slayer and I was the 'ride em cowboy' slayer and you're insecure about me and blondie gettin' it on."

"Stop talking-"

"You probably think if I'd met him first and we'd got it on that we'd actually be a better match in the long run, what with you now apparently being some weird, calm, happy prude that doesn't like to fight with him-"

"I mean it Faith! Stop-"

"And honestly, the thought has crossed my mind more than once-"

"Shut your mouth!"

"Calm down B, I'm just telling the truth. I can't help it - he's a walking sex toy that one, bet you could go for days with him in your bed-"

"SPIKE!"

"What, what! What's wrong-mmph!"

"There's the fireworks I've been waiting for! Go B!" [laughs]

"Buffy what are you do-mmph - hands out of the trousers in company luv!"

"Careful B, you don't wanna damage him too much-"

"Shut your mouth and get the hell out Faith, Spike and I have business to take care of-"

"Oi, what happened to no sex stuff-"

"I knew it!"

[in tandem] "Shut up!"

[happily] "Shutting up."

[hurriedly] "You were right, I was being crazy. Let's have sex!"

"No! I want to know what the hell changed from 'heat up the pie Spike' to-"

[smirk] " 'Heat up my pie Spike' ?"

"Oi, watch it psycho! Buffy's vagina isn't a pie, it's more like a-"

"Hey! No discussing my pie!"

"Well then stop rubbing it against me woman and give me a minute here!"

[angered exasperation] "Fine! You want a minute! Take it! In fact why don't you take the rest of the goddamn night too you son of a bitch!"

"Oh B, come on, come back! This is ridicu-"

[door slams upstairs]

[bewildered] "What the hell just happened?"

[sigh] "I was trying to make her act normal."

"By making her hate me?"

"That was just a side effect blondie - totally your own doing."

"My own .. I was heating up a bloody pie!"

"And then you turned down hers-"

"It's not a pie!"

"Beside the point man. Fact is you just bought yourself a few days of frostiness."

"BY HEATING UP A PIE!"

"Let go of the pie! Look, I'm gonna sit down here and you should go upstairs and start begging."

"And just why the hell am I supposed to be begging?"

"Because I brought up her stupid insecurities about me stealing you away - like I ever could - to make her act more like herself and she tried to brand you with her cattle-prod which you then turned down. In front of me. So go beg boy. I'll wait down here."

[grumbling] "Jesus fucking Christ."

"You got any popcorn?"

* * *

><p>"Is it working? Can you hear them?"<p>

[muffled] "... one night, just one goddamn night and you couldn't even do that ..."

"No, hold it closer!"

"Okay, hold on, I'll edge further up the stairs-"

[muffled] "... forget the fact that you attacked me! I was playing by the rules Buffy!"

"Hold it up against the door then - god Faith don't you know anything about subtefuge?"

"Look squirt, you're lucky I phoned you at all-"

[muffled] "...told you! I told you this would happen ..."

"Ooh, okay, hold it there, I can hear now."

[muffled] "... she was winding you up luv, you're just too easy ..."

"What did you do Faith?"

"Ah they were acting all freaky so I brought them back the only way I knew how - pissing 'em off."

"Brave."

"Well I am a slayer squirt-"

[muffled] ".. talking to her about my pie!"

[muffled] "You ordered me to heat it up!"

[muffled] "Not the lemon-meringue you idiot!"

"What the hell are they talking about? Pie?"

"You wouldn't understand squirt, what with being more of a crumble man yourself, if you know what I mean."

"Oh ... ew. He calls it her pie?"

"Each to his own boyo. Ran with a guy once who called it The Persian."

"Why?"

"Persian cats, you know? Pussy-cats that are really fuzzy?"

"Okay ew ... I'm definitely a crumble man. And clearly a dog person too."

[laughs] "Well colour me all kinds of shocked."

"Faith?"

"Yuh?"

"Has it gone quiet all of a sudden?"

[grabs phones] "Sure has Andrew."

[silence]

[gulping] "Oh h-hey Buffy! How're .. things?"

"Fine on this end chump. How's the groin area? Stopped chaffing yet?"

"Haha, that's a good one Spike old buddy. Yeah, that duct-tape was really well made, ha. Well Faith it was great of you to call but I gotta be going now, see-you-soon-bye."

"So, you two seem more normal now thank god. Up for a little patrol?"

"Faith, get out."

"Oh come on B, you know I was just kidding with ya-"

"Well it was great, a fun time had by all. Now leave."

"Buffy come on luv, you're being-"

"If you say unreasonable I will shove this phone so far up your ass you'll be answering Faith's calls with your prostate!"

"Uh, please don't - Robin got me that for Christmas."

[evil glee] "Oh he did? So you'll be wanting it back then. Might have to take it by force F. You up for it?"

[sigh] "Look, I get it - I woke and fed the beast. But really B, I was just joshin' you. Wanted to see you tonight, not the 50s housewife version."

"Well now you've seen me. Get out."

"Faith, maybe you should-"

"Yeah, it's cool. I'll crash at Willow and Dawn's."

"Sorry 'bout-"

"Are you apologising to her!"

"Oh for god's sake Buffy!"

"Oh no that's great, that's just perfect! I ask you to be a unit and what do you do? You take her side!"

"I'm not taking her side!"

"Yes you are! You're being all 'oh sorry luv, Buffy's a bit crazy'-"

"You are acting crazy! There is nothing going on with me and Faith, right Faith?"

[door closes]

"Oh look, your little girlfriend's run away! Whatever will you do now?"

[silence]

[musing] "What am I gonna do now. Right now? Well for starters I was thinking of shoving you up against that wall and shagging you for a good few hours to show you just how much I love it when you get all jealous and possessive over me."

[silence]

[tentative] "Really?"

[slams into wall] "Really."

* * *

><p>"Okay, okay, I'm coming ... " [door opens] "Faith? What're you doing here?"<p>

"Okay if I crash here tonight?"

"Uh yeah, I guess. I thought you were staying with Buffy and Spike tonight-"

[pointed look]

"Oh .. they kicked you out?"

"Little bit Will, yeah. It was worth it though. I'd rather get kicked out by real Buffy than spend an entire night with Julie Andrews."

[confused] "Right, well .. yeah. Anyway, come on, you can stay in Dawn's room tonight, she's up at the slayer school this week. Did you walk over?"

"Yeah, still can't wrap my head around the whole driving on the left thing."

"It's really late though-"

"I'm five by five."

[eye roll] "Of course you are. Why didn't you call? I could've picked you up-"

"No can do. My phone's taking a tour through either Spike's prostate or Buffy's pie right about now."

[startled pause] "You've had a weird night."

"Eh, I've had weirder."

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	7. Riley

"Well, I think it's time to collect on my anniversary present slayer."

"Oh so you're finally cashing in your IOU huh?"

"That's right sweet."

"So you know what you want now? Finally?"

"I sure do luv."

"And you remember the stipulations that came with the IOU?"

"No public sex, no watersports, no third parties."

"Very good. So, what's your request my love?"

"Guess."

"Come on Spike, we have to leave for Will and Dawn's in a minute-"

"So you have to guess quickly then."

[sigh] "Okay .. is it something I can buy you?"

"Nope."

"Is it .. something I can make?"

"Nope."

"Uh, is it somewhere to take you?"

[teasing] "Other than heaven every night in your arms?"

"Ugh, an addendum to the stipulations - you can't make me vomit with faux-mancey phrases."

"Gotcha. Keep guessing."

"Give me a hint."

"Okay .. I saw something on patrol tonight that made my present a possibility."

[puzzled] "Huh. Um .. a gravestone?"

[eye-roll] "Yeah cause after 140 years of un-death I'm finally ready to unveil my epitath to the world."

"Let me guess: Here lies Spike. On his back. Jump on ladies."

"I was thinking more; Here lies Spike. Suck it."

[chuckling] "You're disgusting."

"And yet you love me. What does that say about you?"

"Don't go there."

"Okay, seriously - back to the guessing."

"Ugh Spike come on, just tell me. We have to get over to Will and Dawn's or we'll miss the frittatas! You know I love the wicca frittatas!"

"Oh alright, I'll narrow it down for you okay? It's tall. It's boring. It grunts when it's excited. It's got the personality of a slug. And there's something I've been wanting to do to it for the last 12 years."

[wary] "This isn't some kind of weird demon-threesome thing is it?"

"No, I'm not violating the third party rule luv, like I would ever want anyone other than you anyway."

"Well come on then, just tell me already!"

"Okay, but first you have to promise to fulfill my wish, no matter if it goes against your own personal morality."

"Does it involve death?"

"No. Soul here, remember?"

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay, I swear I'll do it. It is your carefully thought-out present after all."

"And this is why I love you."

"So what is it? What'd you see on patrol?"

"So there I was strolling along and I happen to see in the distance what looks like a giant cardboard cut-out of a cunt in uniform-"

"Oh no no no-"

"Oh yes yes yes, you promised sweets!"

"... oh god I'm gonna go to hell this time."

[grin] "At least we'll have each other luv."

* * *

><p>"So this is it, the place I call home."<p>

"It's real nice Buffy. Must've cost you a fortune."

"Yeah it's not too bad. Between the two of us we manage pretty well."

"Two of you huh?"

"Oh yeah, me and .. my flatmate."

"Oh so you're not .. married then?"

"Nope, no legal marriage for Buffy."

"Oh, well that's good. I mean not good but .. good."

"Well Riley .. would you, uh, like some tea?"

[earnest] "That'd be great Buffy, thanks."

"Sure well just have a seat and I'll be right back."

* * *

><p>[whispered] "I can't believe I'm helping you do this."<p>

[whispered] "Oh stop fretting luv, it'll be fun."

[whispered] "Yeah for you. I'm the one that'll wake up in a sweat-"

[whispered] "Oooh promise?"

[whispered] "Tell me again why I love you?"

[whispered] "Cause I'm a demon in the sack."

[whispered] "You and your damn puns. Have you got everything you'll need?"

[whispered] "Of course luv. Spoke to Red, she's onboard. She'll do the wipe when we text. He won't remember a thing. As for supplies, you'd be surprised what you can get in London if you know where to look."

[whispered] "Do I want to know how you know where to look for this stuff?"

[whispered] "The 60s was a weird time luv-"

[whispered] "No more talky. Just make sure you have it all ready. He told me where his base is already so no need to hang back - don't take too long to make your entrance. He's making googly eyes at me and it's making me feel sorry for him."

[whispered] "Well if you start feeling pangs of sympathy just remember how he made you feel like a freak for him getting suck jobs off vamp whores behind your back and then came back to judge you a year later while rubbing his perfect life in your face."

[whispered] ".. good point. Make it hurt honey."

* * *

><p>"Tea's ready."<p>

"Oh, thanks Buffy. Gosh, this really is a nice set-up you've got goin' here. Wouldn't mind living somewhere like this myself."

"Yeah .. so how's Sam these days anyway? You haven't mentioned her."

"Oh she's fine. I'm not quite sure where she is but I'm sure wherever it is she's fine."

[wincing] "Oh. Sorry about that."

"Don't be. You can't predict where fate will take you .. or who it'll bring you back to."

"Uh .."

"Think about it. I run into you in a London cemetery of all places, all these years later. We've grown, moved on with our lives but still we end up around each other, you know?"

"Uh, yeah .."

[hopeful] "You're here, I'm here - I'm single, you're single-"

"Oh she's not single mate."

[startled] "Spike! What-"

".. am I doing here? This is where I live boy."

"This is where you .. what? You're Buffy's flatmate!"

"Nope, not her flatmate so much as her boyfriend slash husband slash mate slash life-partner, but without the homosexual connotations that term implies."

[bewildered] "You're .. you're .. Buffy?"

"Yes Riley?"

"Are you under the marriage love spell again?"

"Oh she's under a love spell alright. Only this time the magic wand is my penis."

"What did I say about vomit-inducing phrases honey?"

"Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway soldier-boy, I'll cut straight to it shall I? Fact is Buffy owed me a little prezzie and top of the list - aside from finding and chemically castrating the man who cancelled Veronica Mars - involved your own little self."

[wary] "What the hell are you talking about? Buffy, what-"

"Oh I wouldn't look to her for help mate. See this is what I like to call-"

[left-hook]

"-payback."

[collapse]

"I'm a bit rusty luv. Help me out with an evil-sounding cliche here."

"Umm .. the bigger they are, the harder they fall?"

"Nope."

"Um, when life gives you lemons-"

"Oh for Christ's sake, let's just get on with this."

* * *

><p>"Will you hurry up?"<p>

"Give me a minute - his leg's all slippery!"

"Well use your slayer grip then! You never have a problem employing it when you're giving me the hands-on treatment."

"You said you liked that!"

"I didn't say I didn't. Now is not the time to discuss this woman!"

"Don't call me woman Spike! You know I hate that!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Can you please pick up his legs?"

"Hmph. I can't believe you're yelling at me when I'm breaking about 15 different laws for you."

"Oh you're exaggerating luv. It's probably only about 3."

[pointed glare] "Let's just get him in there and leave. Last thing I want is covert military types taking an interest in you again."

"Oh like they'd be able to do anything against the Council. You worry too much luv."

[grumbling] "Next year you're just getting a foot rub and a striptease."

"There's always Valentine's day pet."

* * *

><p>[waking up] "Uhh .. my head .. ugh .."<p>

"Oh my sweet jesus. Finn! Just what the hell do you think you're doing boy!"

"What .. sir .. ?"

"On your feet when you address a superior officer Finn!"

[moves to stand] "Sir yes-" [slips and falls] "-oomph!"

"I said on your feet man!"

"Sir yes sir!"

"Just what in sweet holy heaven are you doing Finn!"

"I'm sorry sir, there's something slippery on my-"

"Not that you idiot! What the hell are you playing at? Are you taking the goddamn piss boy!"

"Sir I don't remember .. what ..?"

"You don't remember. Well let me tell you, you are in a heap of fucking trouble son!"

"I don't .."

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I have never in all my years of service seen a sight as pathetic and un-American as the one before me at this very moment!"

"Un-American .." [glances down] [jaw drops]

"Well I would say a man wearing suspenders, a corset and a g-string, dripping in what looks like every damn lubricant known to man and sporting an invitation to 'Fuck Me Sideways' on his back is pretty goddamn un-American, wouldn't you Finn? Or are you lookin' to insult my country as well as my sensibilities?"

* * *

><p>[wipes tears away] "God bless Red and her hacking skills. We're keeping this video for the rest of time."<p>

"Let's just hope they don't notice we've hacked into their camera feeds. They might be able to trace it back to us."

"Don't worry so much. Red's not only a super-hacker, she's a bona-fide wicca goddess. We're in the clear."

"We'd better be."

"Oh come on luv. Wasn't it worth it huh? I mean look at that screen capture!"

"It is an impressive feat. 50 pushups in a PVC corset-"

"Not to mention the g-string-" [giggles]

[chuckling] "When his suspender snapped and hit the colonel-"

[guffaws] "I know! Oh, best present ever luv."

"It was pretty great wasn't it? Go me!"

"Hey, I was the one who came up with it, let's share the credit here baby."

"Okay fine, you're a semi-evil genius."

"Well that only took you 15 years to admit."

"It took you 15 years to earn it sweetie."

"Very funny. Tough to see how we'll top this next year though-"

"Oh wow, wow, hold on - there will be no topping of this. This was a one time deal to help you get revenge on the big bad Initiative bully. This is absolutely the last time we ever pull something this wrong-"

"But hilarious!"

"- but hilarious, again. Next year it's back to roses, hot sex and cheesecake. In that order."

"You sure 'bout that luv?"

"Positive."

"It's just I heard a little bit of interesting info the other week."

"And what would that be?"

"A certain blonde was spotted in a demon bar in the West End."

"A certain blonde-?"

"Yeah. Drove the bartender nutty. Wouldn't shut-up about unicorns."

[silence]

"Do you know of any spells to give vampires leprosy?"

"God I love you woman."

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	8. Harmony

"So what're we gonna do with her?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Buffy, this was your idea!"

"And as usual you've found a way of ruining it for me!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You just had to tell me about her change of heart, didn't you?"

"So? Big deal, she stopped drinking humans. Who cares?"

"I care! I can't do mean stuff to her if she's repenting-"

[sigh] "I knew you'd weasel out of having fun."

"What's fun about this!"

[grumbling] "Absolutely nothing luv."

"Look, she's a vampire-"

"Nothing gets past you, pet."

[glare] "So we can't just let her roam around."

"Well why not stake her then?"

"Because you said she doesn't eat humans any more! When she was working for you and your lover, remember?"

"Okay A) not funny, B) that was years ago, we have no idea if she's still off the juice and C) even if she isn't eating fresh any more she's still the most irritating chit in the Northern Hemisphere. I vote for staking."

"You would, you jackass."

"Why the hell does suggesting the staking of a vampire make me a jackass?"

"Because she used to be your - you know."

[smirk] "My what?"

[clenched teeth] "Your bitch-in-heat."

"Such language."

"Enough. I can't stake her but we can't just let her go."

"So what, we have to keep her in our basement from now til the end of time?"

"No, just until we figure out what to do with her."

[motions staking]

"No Spike! I can't kill her if she's changed her ways."

"Why the hell not!"

"I can't believe I'm having this argument with you of all people! The amount of times I forgoed staking you in your chip days for the very same reason!"

"That was totally different and you know it, pet. You didn't stake me because you wanted to jump my bones."

"Your ego astounds me sometimes."

"'S the truth luv and you know it."

[muffled moaning]

"Are you sure you tied the ropes tight enough?"

"What s'matter luv? You afraid she'll get free and make fun of your clothes?"

"Please! That Paris Hilton wannabe? Like I care what she thinks anyway."

"So basically what you're saying is we 'napped her from the bar, brought her back here for sweet revenge which is now off the table because she might feel bad for being a murderer?"

"I do not like your tone Spike."

"And in addition to that dollop of craziness, we can neither kill her nor let her go."

"I mean it Spike-"

"Which pretty much leaves us with a Harmony shaped roomate for the rest of time. Well this is just spankingly fucking fantastic luv, well done-"

"Where the hell do you get off-"

"I just knew this would happen - I knew our little adventure with Captain Boring would use up the allocated fun-Buffy time this year, I knew you'd lose your bottle-"

"I haven't lost anything you dickhead! You're the one who opened his mouth and made me feel bad for her-"

"Feel bad for her? Harmony! She's an undead monster!"

"And just what the hell are you Spike, the Easter Bunny?"

"I am someone you love and trust Slayer. Plus I was a pretty worth-while guy as a human-"

[mumbling] "For worth-while read gay."

"Whereas Harmony was a prize-winning bitch that ... did you just call me gay!"

[faux sweet] "Oh I'm sorry honey, I take it back. Everyone knows that 30-odd year old poet virgins who dote on their mothers and are afraid to masturbate are the height of heterosexual manliness."

"You fucking bitch-"

"Utter prick!"

[TUMBLECRASHBANG]

* * *

><p>... ring ring ... ring ring ...<p>

"What?"

"Oh god, you have to help me!"

"... who is this?"

"It's Harmony, Kevin. Your girlfriend, remember?"

"Harmony who?"

"Stop messing around! I've been kidnapped by sex fiends! I'm tied to a chair some place that smells like rot and I'm blindfolded and there's scary noises coming from upstairs and grunting and moaning and I don't know where I am and I can't remember anything that happened and you're the only number in my speed-dial, you're my only hope, and I can't reach the ropes and I'm hungry and OH MY GOD THERE'S SOMETHING TOUCHING MY LEG! ARGH-"

"Gav, is this you? This isn't funny man-"

"Oh god, it's okay, it was just my pant-leg-"

"Who the fuck are you! And how did you get my number?"

"I got it from your phone last night when I put mine in! It's Harmony, your girlfriend!"

"I don't have a girlfriend, you freak, and I have no idea who you are."

"You slept with me last night!"

"I have no idea what you're-"

"I bit you and you screamed like a little girl?"

"Oh shit, that was real! You're that blonde thing that attacked me! I thought that was a nightmare!"

"I didn't attack you Kevin, I love you!"

"Don't call me again or I'll phone the police lady!"

"No! No, I didn't attack you! It was a love-bite, please help me-"

[hangs up]

"Oh god, oh god, oh god ... get it together Harm, you can do this. Yeah, you're a creature of the night. Yeah, a vampire master .. or mistress, whatever. You just gotta be brave and-"

[muffled] "... GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME ..."

[muffled] "... THAT'S IT BABY, TAKE IT ..."

"Oh god, please help me!" [chants] "I don't want to die in a porno, I don't want to die in a porno..."

* * *

><p>"Okay, I may have an idea."<p>

"Oooh, please tell me all about it luv, I'm not halfway through with you yet-"

"Not for that, you perv. I meant about Harmony."

"You were formulating a plan when I was buried in your snatch?"

"Do you have to be a pig all the time?"

"Only when it gets you hot."

"Put your pants on."

"I don't wear pants."

[bad accent] "Oh I'm sorry, my lord, I meant your trousers, wot-wot."

[disgusted] "Well you've successfully wilted that hard-on."

"Just put your goddamn pants on Spike. There's something we need to go get."

* * *

><p>"Umm .. hello?"<p>

[silence]

"H-hello?"

[silence]

"Umm, please, whoever's up there-"

[footsteps]

"-I promise not to tell anyone if you just let me go!"

[footsteps drawing close]

"H-hello?"

[door creaks open]

"Oh god .. hello? Is anyone th-there?"

[feet descending stairs]

[harsh voice] "Blonde vampiress!"

"... y-yes?"

[harsh voice] "I am the spirit of the true demon!"

"Oh god-"

[harsh voice] "You have been brought to this place at my bidding! You have been chosen, vampiress!"

"Ch-chosen?"

[harsh voice] "Chosen to be the first, blonde vampiress!"

[muffled laughter]

"What was that?"

[harsh voice] "That-that was one of my minions! They take delight in your predicament!"

"Please, just let me go-"

[harsh voice] "SILENCE!"

[squeak]

[harsh voice] "Yes, you have been chosen! To be the first of a new breed!"

"B-breed?"

[harsh voice] "You will be as true vampires should always have been!"

"I don't unde-"

[harsh voice] "Hold your tongue wench! Your unholy demon shall rule you no longer! You shall be pure! You shall go hence from this place and practice the values that your humans hold so dear!"

"You want me to get a job?"

[faltering] "Well -" [harsh voice] "I mean yes! You will get a job! You will live as a human! If when you leave this place you hurt another living creature, you shall be damned to hell everlasting!"

"B-but I'm-"

[harsh voice] "You will not argue with the sprirt of the true demon! This is your second chance vampiress! If you falter even once you will return to this place and experience that which you are being spared from!"

"Th-the porno?"

[faltering] "The wh-" [harsh voice] [confused] "Yes, the porno!"

"Okay, I swear, I swear, I'll be good, I promise I will, I don't even like being bad, I swear!"

[harsh voice] "Very well. Do not falter, vampiress, you will be watched most closely."

"I won't, I swear, I swear-"

[harsh voice] "When you awake your second chance will begin!"

"When I awake-"

[left-hook]

"Buffy, she's out luv! Come down and help me!"

[guffaws of laughter] "Vampiress!"

[chuckling] "Am I good or am I good?"

"Oh baby, you're the best."

"Don't you forget it luv. She has the weirdest view of hell though."

[tapering laughter] "What do you mean?"

"Said something about a por-" [realisation] "You know what? Doesn't matter."

"Okay, let's get this done. We should dump her in one of the mauseliums in Lakeside Cemetery."

"Good thinking luv, right near Andrew's and we can give him his little voice manipulator thing back."

"You do know what that is right?"

[admiring] "Some kind of geeky creation to make him sound all disembodied and staccato and harsh? It's quite impressive actually. Looks all professional."

[smiling fondly] "It's a Dalek mega-phone honey. For children."

[deflating] "Oh."

"Oh don't pout, you sound hot as a Dalek."

"If you tell either of the geek boys about this Slayer-"

"Xander would probably die of laughter."

"Yeah and Andrew would probably lick the edges trying to sample my spit."

[disgusted] "Euch. Let's just do this, okay?"

[chuckling] "You know what? We did it anyway."

"What?"

"We messed with her-" [points at Harmony] "-and managed to save society from her and her from herself all in one fell swoop."

"Hey yeah! Go us!"

"And people say we're not accommodating hosts!"

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>


	9. Dawn

"Why can't you do it?"

"Because I'm in Scotland, Dawn, and you are less than 10 minutes from their front door."

"Well there must be someone else that can fill in! Xander-"

"Is in Kenya."

"Willow!"

"Is in Siberia."

"Andrew!"

"Is an unparalleled idiot."

"I could hire someone-"

"Yes, I can see the ad now: Aide needed to nurse supernatural couple infected with paranormal flu back to health using fluids extracted from a demon. References required."

"I was thinking of just going round to their neighbours and saying 'here's some goo to cure their flu'. Ha, that rhymed-"

"I'm very proud. Now take the demon 'goo' that Willow went to a lot of trouble to send to you and get yourself over to their house and help them recover."

"What if they infect me? Did you ever think of that, huh?"

"It's not the normal flu, Dawn. From what we've been able to gather, you need to come into personal contact with the demon in question. You'll be fine."

"But-"

"No buts Dawn. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you're imagining."

[grumbling] "Easy for you to say when you're on another continent."

"Another .. your education is absolutely appalling."

"Whatever. I won't forget this, you know. It's just oh so convenient that you're all scattered to the four corners of the earth just when Spike and Buffy are at their most volatile."

"A happy coincidence, I assure you."

* * *

><p>"Ugh, this tastes disgusting!"<p>

"Yeah, well it's probably not the worst thing you've ever swallowed in your life."

"She's right, nibblet, this tastes like dog shit."

"Why am I not surprised you know what dog shit tastes like."

[glare] "It's an expression, bit."

"Dawn, I'm not drinking this. It's worse than my cooking."

[mumbling] "Christ, that is saying something."

"What was that, Spike?"

"I said, did you say something, luv?"

[glare] "I'm sick, not stupid."

"Hey! No fighting! Now, I gave up a marathon of Sex & The City to come over here and nurse you back to health and I'm not allowed to leave until you're back in tip-top shape, so drink it down and stop acting like babies!"

"Why are you watching a telly programme with sex in the title!" [turns] "You let her watch sex shows, Slayer?"

"I'm 27 years old, Spike!"

[baffled] "I thought you were 19."

"I was. 8 years ago. And incidentally, when I was 19, my ears were assaulted with many a Spike and Buffy sex-capade, including a very memorable episode with the kitchen island and rashers of strategically placed bacon, if you recall, so don't blame Carrie and Big for corrupting me, mister."

"Okay, can we not talk about this when I'm this sick, please? My Slayer consistition can only take so much-"

"Oh give it up Slayer, at least you're used to this. I haven't been sick for over 140 years-"

"So that makes you somehow worse than me? Huh, whadya know? You get vamp-man-flu too."

"Very funny."

"Right, enough! Buffy, I love you but this has to be done."

"Wha-" [pinches nose] "-grjhgj!"

"Gulp it down - there you go. Feel better?"

[sputtering] "Feel angrier."

[chuckles] "That was great, nib, you're a right little-" [pinches nose] "-guheig!"

[laughing] "Hey, you were right, darling - that was funny!"

"Okay, you two: I'll be through in the lounge if you need me."

[sulking] "That shouldn't even have worked on me, I don't need to breathe."

"Guess it just worked cause you're a retard."

[glare]

* * *

><p>[shouted] "Two sugars, nibblet!"<p>

[shouted] "Oh and I need another pair of socks from upstairs, Dawn."

[shouted] "But give me my blood first!"

[shouted] "No, get my socks first!"

[chanted] "They're your family and you love them, they're your family and you love them .."

[muffled] "My blood'll get cold while she's up there sifting through your endless drawers of clothes, Slayer."

[muffled] "Yeah, well my feet'll get colder while you're munching away on your hobknobs and blood with two sugars. Which by the way is on its way to bringing back the nauseous part of this bug."

[shouted] "What's the final verdict? Socks or blood first?"

[shouted] "Socks!"/"Blood!"

"Family, you love them - family, you love them .."

* * *

><p>"The least you could do is share the blanket you - ah, ah, ah .. choo!"<p>

"Ew, Spike! Keep your germs on your side of the couch!"

"Oh I'm so bloody sorry. Excuse me for being seized by an uncontrollable urge in your presence."

"Don't give me that tone Spike, I feel bad enough as it is."

"Oh and I'm what, croakin' top of the world ma'?"

"Just try and keep your demon snot off the couch, okay? Unless you wanna go sofa shopping again in the near future."

[mumbling] "I'd rather get leprosy of the knob."

[glare] "That could be arranged."

"Right now I'm immune to your threats, woman. You've successfully broken me."

"So this is my-" [cough] "-fault?"

"That's a 10/4, rubber ducky."

"And just how do you figure that?"

[imitating] " 'Hey look over there Spike, I've never seen a demon like that before - let's get it!'"

"How was I supposed to know what would happen? I don't know all the demons and their effects, Spike."

"Maybe if you cracked a book once in a while-"

"I beg your fucking pardon! You-" [hacking cough]

"You should calm down, luv, your voice is going." [smirk]

"When I-" [cough] "-get my-" [cough] "-strength back-" [cough]

"You'll what? Find a syphilis demon and rub him all over my crotch?"

"For-" [cough] "-starters-" [cough]

"Hey, you're goin' a little purple, luv, this isn't really funny any more-"

"When-" [cough] "-was it funny-" [cough] "-before, you-" [cough] "-asshole?" [cough]

[shouting] "Hey nibblet! Your sis's choking pretty bad!"

[shouting] "I don't need to know about your sex games, Spike!"

[shouting] "I'm serious Dawn, bring some water-" [cough] "-in here now .. ow .. ow .. choo!" [cough]

[coughing] [retching] [choking]

"Jesus Christ, you two sound like Patti and Selma. Here, water for the purple prune and blood for wheezy joe."

[gasp] "Oh, thanks Dawnie, that's much better."

"Yeah thanks, bit."

"Glad to be of service. I'm going back through now."

"You know, you can sit with us Dawnie, we won't infect you."

"Oh no, that's really okay-"

"Yeah, bit, you never come round here, we always see you at yours'."

"Hey that's right, why don't you ever-"

"Okay then, call me through if you choke up a lung."

* * *

><p>"How are the patients?"<p>

"Impossible as always. It doesn't help that their walls are paper thin. I swear it's like they bought this place on purpose, knowing that no matter where you were in the house you'd be able to hear them."

"You say that as if you think they enjoy alienating their guests, Dawn."

"And you think they don't? I thought you were smart?"

"Yes, well-"

"I've given them the antidote, Giles, can't I leave now?"

[muffled] ".. don't see why you should get to choose what we watch is all I'm saying ..."

"Really Dawn, I am quite surprised at your lack of sympathy."

[muffled] "... am not watching porn when I'm this sick, Spike!"

"You know I refuse to come round to their house for a reason, Giles."

"Yes, and while it's understandable given their regular behaviour, this is a special circumstance. They are ill, Dawn-"

[muffled] ".. is not porn! It's sci-fi! And Jane Fonda is an Oscar winner!"

"Yeah, ill in the head."

[muffled] ".. sure you'd want to watch it if it was Al Pacino wearing a leotard!"

"If they have ingested the antidote it will not be long until they have recovered. The worst is over, Dawn."

[muffled] ".. you know fine well I would if he had a good pairs of tits ..."

[sigh] "If you say so, Giles."

* * *

><p>"Spike?"<p>

"Yeah, luv?"

"Your hand is on my leg."

"I know, luv."

"If you are thinking what I think you're thinking, I'm going to break every bone in your arm."

[sing-song] "Oh, someone's feeling frisky-"

"I cannot tell you how much I'm going to hurt you."

"Oh come on, luv - I'm feeling better already and your coughing's all gone."

"Yeah, well I still feel bad. I'm sweaty, I'm achey and I'm throbby."

"And this is supposed to be turning me off?"

"Spike, I mean it!"

[pout] "Fine. God, I was just trying to make you feel better!"

"Yeah right, there is no way your constitution is better than mine. Look at your hands, they're still all swollen. You're probably doing that man thing of pretending you're all better so I'll think you're a super-man."

"I am a super-man. In every possible way. And I am all better."

"Sure you are, honey."

"Fine, I'll prove it to you! Just get the little man out and I'll be ready to go."

[face-palm] "You did not just take your penis out of your pants-"

"He just needs some help standing to attention, that's all."

"Hey, stop doing that on my couch!"

"Just give 'im a minute, he's on his way."

"Put it back, Spike!"

"Hold on, he's just getting his equilibrium back, luv-"

"I don't give a shit, Spike, put it away!"

"Stop yelling! You'll frighten him and he's still recovering as it is!"

"PUT YOUR GODDAMN PENIS BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

"What the hell are you yelling about no-OW! AHH! Oh god!" [covers eyes]

"Oh god, I'm sorry, bit-"

"Put it away, Spike!"

"I'm trying to, Slayer! My hands aren't - ah .. ah .. ah .. CHOO!"

"My eyes are burning! Oh god, oh god! Never wanna see again!"

"For god's sake, it's not that-" [cough] "-difficult, just put it away-" [hacking] "-Spike! Give it here-"

"I am the only person in the world this could happen to. Ugh, is it gone yet?" [peeks] "Ah! It's getting bigger, stop it Buffy!"

"Ew, Spike, stop it!"

"Well stop man-handling me then, woman! I can do it myself!"

"Well then do it and stop assaulting my little sister with your- ah .. CHOO!"

"Ohhh! Were you aiming for my penis, Slayer! If you've infected him with your snot, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Stop talking about him like he's a person, Spike-"

"THAT IS IT!"

[startled silence]

"I have had it up to here with you two! You are going to start behaving like adults, do you understand me? .. I don't hear you!"

[meek] "Yes."/"Yes."

"Good. Now, I am tired, I am going upstairs to bed. You two are going to sit here with your snot and your genitals and your unbelievable levels of freakiness and only call me down if you're fully dressed and in need of life save-age. Do you understand me?"

[meek] "Yes, Dawn."

[meek] "Yes, bit."

"Good. Oh and before I forget-" [goes to TV]

"What are you-"

"There. No more arguments about what to watch. I'm taking the remote upstairs with me. If one of you feels well enough to get up and change the channel, good on you and you can come upstairs and wake me up so I can escape this den of disgustingness while you're at it. If not, well at least you'll learn something about-" [glances at TV] "- trees in the Amazon."

"But-"

"No buts, Buffy! Now goodnight .. Oh. And if I'm woken up by one raised voice, one snarky comment, one threat of bodily harm, I will call Andrew to come and babysit you for the rest of the night. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

[meek] "Yes."/"Yes."

"Alright then. Goodnight."

* * *

><p>"Yay, goodbye to snot forever!"<p>

"Yeah, thank god. Vamps are not built for being sick."

"Aw, poor baby. You'll get your reward in heaven, honey."

[glare]

"Oh. Well okay, I'll give you your reward after we wake up Dawn, how's that?"

"Much better, luv."

"Good." [knock-knock] "Dawnie, we're totally back to normal now and .. oh."

[cough] "I'm sick, Buffy! I feel all .. all .. ah .. ah .. ah .. CHOO!"

"Ew. Tell me I did not look like that, luv, please."

"Don't be a dick. Aw, poor Dawnie's all ill ..." [evil grin] "Spike, go down and get the leftover antidote."

[evil smirk] "Gotcha, Slayer."

"Don't worry Dawnie, we'll look after you."

"Oh no! No! I think I'll be okay-" [sputtering coughs]

"Oh nonsense, you can stay here til you're better."

"No, please-"

"'Course, it'll prob'ly take you longer to recover, bit, being not a super-person and all that."

"Oh yeah. Hey, Dawnie, it'll be like a sleepover! Yay! You can stay for a few days and we'll watch videos and eat fudge-"

"No! I think I already feel much better, look my hands are going down-" [hacking cough]

"Oh don't be silly, you're not a bother honey, you're family." [evil grin] "Now, we'll get you that delicious antidote and then me and Spike'll spend the day telling you all about those trees in the Amazon that we were learning about 'til 3 in the morning. Isn't that right, Spike honey?"

[grin] "Absolutely. Now, there was the Acioa edulis-"

"Oh, and the Brazil nut one, that was a good half hour learning about that one-"

"And then the Sandbox one 'f course."

"Well, of course, how could I forget that one. Did you know the pods can explode, Dawnie?"

"Yeah, truly fascinating, bit. I'll go get the antidote while Buffy explains the process to you."

"Yeah. So apparently the pods are as big as pumpkins, right, and-"

[abject misery] "ah .. ah .. CHOO!"

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	10. Interlude: Never Shop With Spuffy

**AN: Okay, so this is a little thing I wrote for Valentine's Day last month and forgot I hadn't posted it here. Oopsie. So anyway, this actually fits in just before the Dawn chapter (Spike actually mentions it in Dawn's chapter). But it doesn't really matter. It doesn't fit the confines of the story cause I'm not torturing anyone other than Spike in this chapter but hey, who cares. This is my world and I can ruin it if I want to! :P**

* * *

><p>"Buffy?"<p>

"Yeah baby?"

"It's Valentine's Day."

"I'm aware of that."

"And normally I would say 'buy you flowers? Why, I haven't cheated on you!'-"

[scowl] "-an example of how you're stupid-"

"-but since it's this bloody day and we have to make a big deal out of it, I've decided that instead of moaning I'd take you out-"

[excited] "-an example of why I love you-"

"-and we can pick out a new couch."

"And you're back to stupid."

"Oh don't be like that luv, this is actually a well-thought-out present this time."

"Oh I'm sure it is. In fact I can guess at your thought process right now. Shall I impress you?"

[faux sweet] "Do you ever not?"

"Vomit. Let me see. Your thoughts went, 'bloody 'ell, gotta get a prezzie for ma bird'-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there and remind you I'm not Australian luv."

" 'So comfy here on my couch - but wait! Present for Buffy! Wish I could make 'er pick it .. so comfy .. Buffy present .. love ma couch .. make Buffy pick present .. couch .. comfy'-"

"Are you about done?"

"I will be if this is really your Valentine's present. I got you a Victoria Secret covered me, Spike. Victoria Secret!"

"Really luv, think about it. You've been moaning about the indents in this couch since we moved in here. This is a chance for you to make your day to day life comfier and you get to drag me along for the ride, not to mention clear out my side of the bank account. Isn't that better than a bunch of flowers that'll die in a day and a box of chocolates that'll just make your arse bi-better, even better than it is now."

"Nice save sweetie."

"I try."

[considering] "It will be fun dragging you round the mall-"

"Won't it just?"

"-and I'll finally be rid of that red wine stain that mysteriously appeared right after you and Giles broke out the Led Zeppelin on New Year's-"

"That I maintain I had nothing to do with!"

"Uh-huh. Okay, yeah, let's go couch buying!"

[pleased] "Well alright!"

"Ooh and we could get a pouffe!"

"They sell Xanders in DFS?"

* * *

><p>"It's too big."<p>

" ... "

"It's too small."

" ... "

"Arms are too low."

" ... "

"Uh, way too high."

" ... "

"Don't like leather."

" ... "

"Too purple."

" ... "

"Too ugly .. Spike, where're you going?"

"Looking for some much needed help luv ... yes, excuse me-" [reads name-tag] "-Sarah. Do you happen to sell the Goldilocks couch?"

"I'm sorry, sir?"

"You know, the couch that was made for the most infuriatingly picky bint the world has even known?"

"I'm sorry, I don't .."

"Nevermind. We'll try another store."

"... what did you say to make her face all scrunchy Spike?"

"Nothing sweets, we'll try another place."

* * *

><p>"Hello! Welcome to Sofa-King-Cheap and a Happy Valentine's Day to the happy couple."<p>

"Aw, Spike, isn't that sweet? He's dressed like a fuzzy heart!"

"We're leaving."

* * *

><p>"I'm telling you it's too soft, Spike!"<p>

"A minute ago you said it was too hard!"

"That was the brown one!"

"This one _is_ brown!"

"No, you idiot, this one is tan."

"What colour is tan?"

"Well .. brown but-"

"ARGH!"

* * *

><p>"I'm just not sure."<p>

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Watch the tone, Spikey."

[long-suffering sigh] "Okay. Why don't you like this one then?"

"Well, it's like it's .. _too_ perfect."

[monotone] "What."

"It's the kind of couch that you'll pick and love for a little while because it's unusual but then once the newness has worn off you'll just be left with a funny shaped couch."

"Well why don't you pick a regular shaped couch?"

"Cause it's boring."

[clenched teeth] "Well why don't you just get the weird shaped one and then we'll trade it for the normal one once you're over the newness-"

"But what if I get the weird one today and then it wears off by tonight?"

"Hi there, can I help you two with anything?"

"I'll give you a fucking medal if you can, mate."

* * *

><p>[musing] "I don't know .. maybe the blue one was nicer than I thought at the time."<p>

[grumbling] "What the hell does that even mean?"

"Or the white one. The white one was a lot nicer than I gave it credit for-"

"You said it was too white."

".. you're right, it was too white."

"Oh god."

"I'm sorry but I just don't know!"

"How can you not know what you want! It's just a bleedin' seat to watch telly on Buffy!"

"Well of course you would think that! You used to scrounge your furniture from the town dump!"

"I seem to recall you likin' that chair, Slayer, or have you forgotten you almost broke my back in it one night?"

"Don't remind me-"

"Oh really? Well fine-"

"Oh Spike, don't, come on. I'm sorry, okay? I just .. I don't know which to pick. Can't you help me?"

[immediate] "That one."

[confused] "What one? You're just pointing at the floor Spike."

"Because I don't care! I couldn't give a rat's arse, okay? I just want you to choose one so I can sit in it."

"Okay, god! Give me a minute .. okay, okay. I might have decided on one. Maybe."

"Thank the powers. Which one is it?"

[bites lip]

[sigh] "Just tell me what one you want, Buffy."

[apprehensive] "You won't get mad?"

"I won't get mad."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"I think I want the brown one."

"The one that was too hard? That was two stores ago!"

"No, not that one."

"Oh thank god, cause if you'd dragged me into one more store today-"

"I meant the one before that."

[silence]

[clenched teeth] "The one in the first store we visited today?"

[small voice] "Uh-huh."

* * *

><p>"Oh I'd forgotten all about this one!"<p>

"JUST PICK ONE YOU STUPID BINT!"

"Fine!" [right hook]

"Ooooph!"

"Excuse me, sales-lady! We'll take this one-" [points to couch] "-and whichever piece of furniture my boyfriend's bleeding on."

* * *

><p>"So you like it then?"<p>

"I love it baby, thank you." [kiss]

"My pleasure sweets. It is comfy isn't it?"

"It's perfect. I may never move again."

"Good. What are we gonna do with the blood-buy?"

"We'll give it to Andrew, his birthday's coming up anyway."

"What about the part where it's covered in my blood?"

"We can tell him it's the fashion these days."

"He's a geek luv, he's not retarded."

"Fine, then we'll tell him the truth. Besides, a footstool that he can clone his own Spike from? He'll probably squee us to death."

* * *

><p><strong>End Notes: There'll only be one more chapter to go after this one. It should be up in a couple of days :)<strong>

**TBC**


	11. The Party

**AN: So this is the last chapter. Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed this fic, I'm so glad people got it :D A couple of notes for the chapter: all the random lines of dialogue are the various mini-slayers gossiping and Soho is a sex area in London. I hope you all enjoy this and I hope it's clear who's speaking when. It's a lot harder, this dialogue only approach, when you have umpteen characters all chatting at once lol.**

* * *

><p>"Would you look at them? Seriously! It's like they don't even care I'm starving over here!"<p>

"The nerve."

"I know, right? We come all the way down here-"

"It was a 50 minute flight, Xander."

"That's not the point! After what happened the last time-"

"Really, I think it's time you let that go, don't you? It's been a good few years, they must have ... bounced back by now." [grimace]

"Oh is that right? Well, let me remind you of that when Buffy turns your balls into pancakes."

"And my appetite has flown right out the window."

"Well mine hasn't. There's only so many packets of airline peanuts you can eat before you turn into Dumbo."

"A fitting description if ever I heard one."

"Who throws a party without finger sandwiches? In Britain, for God's sake! Isn't this the home of sandwiches?"

"The first history question you've ever asked me and it's about food."

"I've asked you about history before."

"When?"

[thinks] "I asked you if you went to see Stars Wars in the cinema, didn't I?"

"Silly me." [opens Scotch]

* * *

><p>"I don't think this is a good idea."<p>

"So you've said. A million times. Stop being so paranoid. Every time you're round here you get all twitchy and weird."

"I can't help it. Can't you smell it?"

"Yeah, stupid Xander and his dry-roasted peanuts. I told him-"

"No, I mean in the air."

"What the hell are you talking about, Dawn?"

"That smell, that's what I'm talking about! It's everywhere, clogging the whole room. Can you really not smell it?"

"I'll tell you what I can smell. Fear. And it's wafting off you, little lady."

"No, it's not fear. It's them. Hunting for their next victim with their crazy lust-fueled supernatural pheromones."

[blank] "I honestly think you're starting to lose your mind, sweetie."

"I'm telling you, Will. They have a whole house full of people at their mercy. A. Whole. House."

"No more wine for you."

* * *

><p>"Pretty full turn-out, eh squirt?"<p>

"Yeah."

"Why so glum? Thought you'd be bursting at getting an all-access to their house again."

"Buffy confiscated my camera."

"Oh." [chuckles]

"And my phone."

"Smart girl."

"I just don't understand why those two are so against being shown appreciation, that's all."

"I'm sure they like that much as the next go-gooder. What B doesn't like is her honey being the lust bunny of choice for random internet dudes and slayers."

"See that's what I just don't get, you know? If Spike were mine I'd shout it to the world and spend every day letting him know-"

"Hey, tone it down boy. B's got perky little ears and she ain't that far away."

[bravado] "I'm not afraid of her."

[derisive] "You're not?"

"Pfft, of course not. Spike would protect me, if it came down to it. We're tight."

"Only in certain orifices, squirt."

* * *

><p>"... they used to try and kill each other all the time but then Spike proposed one night in the graveyard and..."<p>

* * *

><p>"...got married in Vegas when Willow did a spell on them-"<p>

"No, that wasn't it! They got engaged because of a spell but then at the altar the spell was reversed and they had to pretend they didn't still want to get married even though they both totally did."

"That's not it! Stacey told me that Brown told her that she overheard Andrew saying ..."

* * *

><p>"... starred in an off-Broadway version of West Side Story back in the 50s which was why he dyed his hair later, so he wouldn't be recognised..."<p>

* * *

><p>"...was with this other vampire or something but then Spike totally swept her off her feet and she killed the first vamp guy without batting an eye and they left town together and lived together for months before she came back all sad and then..."<p>

* * *

><p>"...totally true! Stephanie Meyer like stalked them online and it's all really about them! Only Buffy has a spine and a personality and Spike's hot and not totally lame but still! How cool is that?"<p>

* * *

><p>"...so romantic, you know? I keep trying to find a vamp like him but I always end up having to stake them before I can get past the 'hi my name is' part. They're so damn reactionary, you know ..."<p>

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I'm actually here."<p>

"Is it a little weird?"

"A little. Surreal more than anything."

"You're not gonna start brooding on me, are ya?"

"Very funny, Willow. I haven't brooded in years."

"What do you call standing against the wall at a party, talking to no-one and staring into your drink."

"Contemplation."

"Ah, of course. Well don't go contemplating too hard, okay? We barely get to see you around these days."

"Yeah, well Nina's still a little weird about the whole me and Spike having sex thing."

".. uh .."

"Which is ridiculous, you know? It was over 100 years ago. That's gotta be outwith the statute of limitations by now, right?"

* * *

><p>"... I mean a couple of pigs in blankets. Just something, you know? Just something to munch on-"<p>

"Munch?" [tittering giggles]

"Yeah, munch Giles, like eat, you know?"

"Munch munch munch-" [giggles]

"Okay that's it. You'll get your Scotch back when you start making sense again."

* * *

><p>".. I mean you with your vamp ole-factorys, you must be able to smell it, right?"<p>

"Um, Dawn, I'm not sure what you're-"

"It's like a tangible thing! I swear, it's like the air that surrounds them gets all electrified and swirly and next thing you know you're trying to claw your way down the stairs with a 105 degree fever and way too many facts about trees in your head-"

"Maybe you shouldn't drink so much wine, Dawn, huh?"

[silence]

[glare] "Are you in on it with them? Is that it?"

"Maybe I should go find Willow for you-"

"No, tell me! Are you like prepping me for them? You're like their wingman right? Like the iceman to their maverick or something?"

"I have no idea what you're-"

"TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!"

* * *

><p>"Hey Andrew, I know just how to cheer you up!"<p>

"Oh I doubt that, goddess."

"Don't call me goddess, Andrew."

"Would you prefer Dark-Willow?"

"Do you want me to cheer you up or not?"

"Okay, hit me. But not literally."

"Okay." [smirk] "How do you feel about an inside-scoop involving hot vamp male-on-male action?"

* * *

><p>"Lookin' kinda sloshed, isn't he?"<p>

"Oh thank god. Can you use some of that Slayer strength and help me slide him back up the wall?"

"Well now, that depends, don't it?"

[giggling] "Sloshed. Slosh slosh slosh-"

"On what?"

"On whether he's puked yet."

"Not yet but Faith, if he does, I swear on my fully-recovered testicles I will take that bullet for you if you just help me get him up."

[giggles] "Poor-shanders-teshtishles-" [giggles]

"Ew, what smells like peanuts?"

* * *

><p>"... the last time they totally ended up doin' it right in the training hall!"<p>

"No way!"

"Yes way! They liked ordered us all out after the demo and they were all hot and flustered and sweaty-"

"Vampires don't sweat. Don't you ever study Carrie?"

"Well this one does, okay!"

* * *

><p>"Hey there. Don't you look all silent and sad?"<p>

"Uh, Andrew right?"

[coy] "Yeah that's me. And you're Angel."

"Yeah, we met back when-"

"I betrayed you at the behest of Buffy, yeahyeah. I was really coming over to say how great I think it is, you know?"

"Uh, you mean Spike and Buffy..?"

"Well, of course that too but no, I meant more the whole human condition thing. How strong people can be even when they have no support, you know?"

"Uh, do you mind not stroking my arm?"

"Oh, sorry. I just thought I'd come over and .. reach out to you. You seem a little lost, that's all, and I wanted to let you know you're not alone."

"Yeah, well .. thanks but I already knew that."

"Oh yeah, that's right. You have a 'girlfriend'." [knowing glance]

"Why did you just air-quotes that?"

"Well it's just that I too have had some issues in the past when it came to Spike-"

"Not like mine, you haven't."

[sympathetic] "Oh Angel, Angel, Angel. We really should talk."

* * *

><p>"You look beautiful, luv."<p>

"Thanks. You too."

"Oi. We've been over this before. Men aren't beautiful. Men are manly and rugged and-"

"So pretty it's hurts my eyes to look at you."

[surly] "Sometimes I miss having the ablility to vomit."

[giggle] "Can you believe this? 15 years."

"I know. Still think I'm gonna wake up in the crypt with you banging the door down to beat the hell outta me."

"Play your cards right."

"Ha-ha. You know what I mean, ducks."

[quiet] "Yeah, I do. I never thought I'd have this. Especially not with you."

"Oh cheers."

"Don't be difficult, I'm being honest. I just didn't think my soulmate would repel me quite as much as you did."

[sarcastic] "Oh please, keep the fluffiness comin', luv, don't think I'll ever come down from this high."

[laugh] "But you are, you know. My soulmate."

"Keep touching my cheek like that, luv, and 'mate' will be the operative word."

[sigh] "We should go back in. We are the guests of honour after all."

"First party I've ever had thrown for me and I have to share it. You little party-hogger."

"Hey, not with the little mister. I can kick your ass, you know."

"Please do." [smirk]

[flirty] "Well I guess we have partied enough already."

"Time for the great kick-out, luv?"

"Why not? It is our special night, after all."

* * *

><p>"Do you see what I see, luv?"<p>

"Uh, yeah. Ew. Faith, what is that running down you?"

"The combined puke of an old idiot and a dead idiot, that's what."

"Oh my god! You killed Xander!"

"He's just out cold, luv, I can hear his heart still beating."

[giggling] "Faith squished him. Squish squish." [giggles]

"Oh shut up, you old fart. B, I'm borrowing some clothes. These dicks just tag-teamed me!"

"We mosht shertainly did not!"

[leans down] "Xander, are you okay?"

[mumbling] ".. too much Scotch .. not enough .. peanuts .."

"Luv, just leave him there, the watcher'll look after-"

"Shpike! Shpike, come here, I have to tell you-" [hiccup] "-something."

[warily leans down] "Yeah?"

"I am most-" [hiccup] "-happiest, for you and my shla .. shlay .. my Buffy-" [hiccup] "-and I wish you all the happiest happinesh in the-" [hiccup] "-world."

[teary] "Giles, that's so sweet, thank you."

"Yeah, watcher, that's really-"

"Were you-" [hiccup] "-really in Wesht Shide Shtory?"

"Was I what?"

"Go on, do 'America', go on Shpike-"

"Have you lost your-?"

[commotion in living room]

"That better not have been my Heal's lamp smashing!"

"Let's go check, luv. You be alright, watcher? Keep an eye on the whelp?"

[giggles] "Whelp!" [hiccup] "Whelp shwelp shedo-wop she-bop.."

"Yeah, you'll be fine."

* * *

><p>"What the hell is going on in here?"<p>

"...got married in Vegas!"

"They did not!"

"Are you calling me a liar, Carrie?"

"No, I'm calling you a gullible tool!"

"Oh that is IT!"

"Yeah, you know what! That is it! Nobody move!"

"I'd listen to her, slay-runts. She really loved that lamp."

"Now listen up, mini-me's! Normally I'm pretty lenient with you all, hence my asking you to come over tonight and share in this joyous occasion with us. But then you went and broke my lamp, so now I'm going to have to kill you all."

"Oh hey, wow, wow Buffy. Okay, slay-runts. Who broke the lamp?"

[silence]

"It'll be better dealing with me than with her, trust me."

[small voice] "Weren't you like a mass-murderer a decade or so ago?"

"Yeah but I've got a soul now. And when Buffy's designer gear gets broke, she loses hers. So spill."

"I'm really sorry, Buffy, really."

"Yeah, we didn't mean it, we just-"

"She just started making up all these lies about you and Spike and I was trying to defend you-"

"You lying little cow!"

"ENOUGH!"

[silence]

"Party's over. Collect your things and get back to the hotel. Do not pass go, do not collect $200."

[blank stares]

"I think you lost 'em, luv."

"It's from Monopoly. The board game?"

"What's a board game? Is that like on Wii?"

"Okay, now you've broken my lamp AND you've made me feel old. Get the hell out because it is my party and I can kill if I want to."

[blank stares]

"Again, luv, it's a bit of an old refere-"

"OH JUST GET THE HELL OUT!"

* * *

><p>"Well, two rooms down, six more to go. Who're we still missing?"<p>

"Andrew, Angel, Dawn and Will."

"Well I think I can call off one search."

"Who?"

"There's a heartbeat in the basement."

"Let's go get 'em then."

"Should we take weapons?" [smirk]

[glare] "You get that I'm still mourning my lamp, right?"

[contrite] "Right, sorry. So what's behind door number ... holy mother of god."

[whispered] "What the hell are they doing?"

[whispered] "Looks like they're cuddling, ducks. Or at least, Andrew's trying very hard to make it so-"

[whispered] "If you make me laugh, Spike, I won't be able to stop. Get them out before I die."

"Hey, Beavis and Five-head! Cuddling time is up, party's over!"

"Oh hey guys, me and Angel were just looking for a place out of the way to have a chat but it's a little harder than I thought it would be." [pointed look]

[barely contained mirth] "Oh? And what were you two chatting about? In a basement. In the dark."

"Oh you know, this and that."

"Oh for the love of ... Spike, get your pasty ass down here and explain to this pig-headed imbecile that I am not now, nor was I ever, in love with you in any way, shape or form."

[giggles] "I'm not sure what you mean, grandpa-"

"Don't call me that!"

"That's it, big guy, let it all out. You'll never get over him and accept yourself if you keep bottling it all up!"

[clenched teeth] "Get this moron away from me before I lose my soul, Buffy."

"What, you afraid he'll give you a happy, peaches?"

"I mean it, Spike! This is the last warning-"

[encouraging] "That's it Angel, keep going, don't direct the anger inside, let it all out!"

[hides face in Spike's arm] "Mmph." [chuckles]

"IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE I'M GOING TO RIP YOU INTO PIECES BOY!"

"Yes, finally! Let it all out!"

"ARGHHH! You are without doubt the stupiest person I have ever met in my entire life! You just get under my skin and won't stop annoying me and following me around with your high-school psychology and who follows a mass-murdering demon into a dank basement anyway, you little freak? You just ..."

"Hey! Our basement is not dank!"

"I don't think they're listening to us anymore, pet. Let's leave them to it, shall we?" [smirk]

"... get it through your skull, I don't want you to save me or help me get over anything! You're just like Spike with his comments and his swagger and his stupid goddamn hair and all those..."

"Yeah, why not? Sounds like he's got some stuff to work out." [chuckles] "We still have two more to find anyway." [closes door quietly]

* * *

><p>"Upstairs we go then, pet."<p>

"Do you have to narrate everything we do?"

[deflated] "Just felt like a narrating moment, that's'all."

"Oh, well in that case, Buffy takes a step. Spike takes a step. Buffy takes a-OW!"

"Spike slapped Buffy's arse. Buffy deserved it."

"Buffy's gonna break Spike's fingers."

"It doesn't work if you're saying what's going to happen, luv. It has to be what's happening or what's already happened."

"Are you saying you want me to break your fingers right now?"

"No-"

"Well then, shut up."

[moaning] [groaning] [gasping]

"That better not be what I think it is."

"What do you think it is?"

"I think it's two people having sex."

"Since when were you the sex Nazi, Mr Let's-Avoid-All-Non-Sexual-Activity?"

"Since people that aren't us are making sex noises in our house and the only people left to find include my little nibblet, that's when!"

"Your 'little nibblet' is 29 years old!"

"Your point being?"

[condescending] "That every daddy eventually has to let go."

"Bullshit, I'm not letting go! I don't care who it is in there, I'll break his hands off!"

"You know, I'm somebody's little girl, Spike, and it never bothers you when you and me have sex."

"Yeah, because your dad is a grade-A cunt, so you deserve a good shagging every few hours."

"I'm gonna overlook the multitude of things in that sentence that make me wanna hurt you A LOT and focus on what has just occurred to me and is currently wigging me out something awful."

"Which is?"

[ashen-faced] "We're still looking for Dawn."

"Yeah?"

"And .. Willow."

[confused] "Oh .. well that's just .. normally I'd be .. but the nibblet .. no, no, no ..."

"Okay, don't freak out honey, it's okay, deep breaths-"

"I don't breathe, Buffy!"

"Well pretend then, you jackass! Look, it's not like there's anything we can do about it anyway! They're adults!"

"Fuck off, there's bloody plenty we can do!"

[door kicked off its hinges]

"Alright, Red! Get the hell off my .. Faith!"

[scrambling] "What the hell, you guys! Out out out!"

"Did you just call Faith yours, Spike?"

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me, Buffy."

"Yo, B, you guys wanna take this elsewhere?"

"Yo, F, you wanna quit pointing that thing at me?"

[smirk] "Which one?"

[shields eyes] "Both of them."

"Come on, Buffy, please-"

"Okay, okay, we're sorry, really. We'll just .. SPIKE!"

[starlted] "What? What?"

[fuming] "Turn around and get out of here before I poke out your goddamn eyeballs!"

"Alright, jesus."

[shielding eyes] "We'll just be going. Sorry, you guys, really. I'll just, uh, wedge the door into the-"

"OUT!"

[jumps] "Okay, sorry."

* * *

><p>"So, uh, that was a turn up for the books, eh?"<p>

[silence]

"Buffy?"

[silence] [glare]

"Oh come on, we're not really gonna have this fight again, are we?"

"What fight would that be Spike? The one that we always have after I catch you staring at Faith's naked .. stuff!"

[chuckles fondly] "Stuff. You are so bloody cute, Buffy-"

"Don't touch me, Spike! This is just the last straw-"

"No, you know what? No. Come here." [grabs Buffy] "Listen to me, luv. I know that deep-down inside there's not an inch of you that genuinely believes I would or could ever want another person on the face of this earth other than you. You know that you are absolutely everything to me and without you, I'm dust. So yeah, I'll look at girl's goodies and yeah, I'll pick fights with you cause we both love it. But you know fine well that you are it for me. You know it, just like I know I'm it for you. So on any other day of the year I would say bring on the fight and make-up sex, cause a good time is always had. But not today, ducks. So don't go looking for a fight when finally, at the end of this long bloody day, all we have to do is find the nibblet before we can go to bed and I can be alone with you, which you know is all I've wanted since I last had you alone."

[teary] "That is the best way you have ever got out of me dumping you, Spike."

[grins] "I'm good, aren't I?"

"You're the best baby."

* * *

><p>"Oh, there she is."<p>

"Well that was easier than I thought."

[mumbling]

"Think she's a bit worse for wear, luv."

[mumbling] "...don't leave me..."

"Aw, Dawnie, we won't leave you-"

[mumbling] ".. alone with them .. freaks .."

"Huh. She must be having a nightmare, poor baby."

"Yeah, poor baby. Well now that we've found the poor baby, what's say we dump her on the couch in the living room and celebrate our anniversary in style, luv."

"How you can go from dreamboat to pig in 40 seconds flat will never cease to amaze me, Spike."

"What? Have you already forgotten my dreamy-speech? Thought that would buy me at least one night of anger-free Buffy."

"Well it would have if you hadn't immediately turned back into the Dick-Monster."

[smirk] "Oooh, I like that one. The Dick-Monster, strikes fear in the hearts of .. uh-"

[laugh] "Aw, poor Dick-Monster's suffering from stage fright."

"Hey! I'm just tired is all. Couldn't think of a good enough line." [grumbling]

"So let me get this straight. You started out strong and then you deflated too quickly. Sort of like premature ejaculation of the brain, huh?"

"Watch what you're saying, Buffy."

"Oh, you're right, I wouldn't want you to verbally lash me all half-assed, would I? Might die of boredom waiting for the killing blow."

"I'll bloody well show you boredom!"

[guffaws] "You said it baby!"

[irate] "I'm just tired, that's all! I'll be back in full quip mode tomorrow and then just you wait, you little bitch."

[glare] "Don't call me a bitch, Spike-"

[waking up] [mumbling] ".. Buffy?"

[glare] "Well don't act like one then!"

"You just called me a bitch again!"

[eyes crack open] ".. Buffy?"

"Well you're acting like a first class one, you little-"

"Don't call me a bitch, you dickhead!"

[mumbling] "... oh god no, oh god, it's a nightmare, just a nightmare ..."

"Oh so you can call me a dickhead but I can't retaliate! Typical bloody bitchy Summers-"

"ARGHHHH!"

[mumbling] "... help me, Willow ... get me .. out of .. here .."

"Mmmph! Spike!"

"Oh god, Buffy-"

"Oh god, kill me."

* * *

><p>"Mornin' mate!"<p>

"Ah, please, would you mind not speaking quite so loudly?"

"Ooh, sorry mate. Where you two off to then?"

"Gatwick, please."

"Late night?"

"You could say that, yes. Xander, try not to drool on the leather, I don't want to have to pay for this taxi to be steam-cleaned."

[mumbling] "Eugh.."

"Serves you right for finishing off my Scotch."

"So, quite a few cabs called for that house. Have yourselves a good party last night?"

"Eh, yes. From what I can remember of it anyway."

"That's always the best kind, mate."

"Not in the bright light of day it's not."

[mumbling] "Eugh.."

"Xander, please tell me I didn't ask Spike to perform songs from West Side Story?"

* * *

><p>"So where's we off to this morning, ladies ... oh wow ..."<p>

"18-" [kissing] "-West Hope-" [kissing] "Street."

"Oh wow .. wow-"

"Step on it, dude!"

"Wow."

* * *

><p>"Where you headin', mate?"<p>

"Heathrow."

"So how was your-"

"Don't talk. Just drive."

"Huh. Okay." [mumbling] "Broody motherfucker."

* * *

><p>"Where we goin', son?"<p>

"Oh, into the city please sir."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"Uh, well, near .. well Soho would be okay, I guess."

[knowing smirk] "Uh-huh."

"They've got some great supermarkets in Soho, you know."

"Sure they do, son, sure they do."

* * *

><p>"Where you headin', luv? Luv? Oh hey, you don't look too good. You okay?"<p>

"Just drive, please."

"Sure thing, luv. Where you looking to go?"

"I don't want to go anywhere. I want to be driven around in a bubble all day so I can forget that I was scarred for life by my family last night, only to crawl out of the room and across the hall to be scarred by my best friend and flatmate. Just drive."

"Are you sure-?"

[hiss] "Drive!"

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

><p>[contented sigh] "Morning baby."<p>

[smile] "Morning' luv."

"I love you."

"Love you too, kitten."

[smiling] [kissing]

"So, you think everyone had fun last night?"

"With us playing hosts? No doubt in my mind, pet."

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>


End file.
